Monday, May 01, 2006

A Younger Version of My Older Brother

Ever look at a kid & see yourself or your sibling peering back at you? Sure you have. A recent case has connected me with a kid that reminds me so much of my brother. This kid is 20 & already a gambling addict. My brother was the same way although he was small scale because he had no big backers. He angled his way into local backroom games, lost & would go back the next week determined to win. 30 years later the only thing that has changed for him is the stakes. Always in the hole, always being hunted, can't settle in to a real life. The only time my mother or I hear from him is when he needs money & that doesn't fly at all. I don't return the calls & haven't in probably years. There comes a time when you have to back off & save yourself & that's what I did.

This kid though, the gambling thing reminded me of my brother but the overall confusion about everything, well that struck a cord with me. When my mother got sick a lot was left to our father in terms of raising us & teaching us how to be adults. To say that he fell down (drunk usually) on the job would be an understatement. By the time I was 18 or 19 I felt like I was swimming in quicksand. I was no longer a kid & supposed to be doing adult things, yet I had no clue how to make the transition. Simple things like going to the grocery store seemed overwhelming. Decisions, every one seemed like it was life or death. An awkward time made worse by lack of direction.

This kid was hard for me to handle because well, it was personal. Do your job, be gentle. Do your job, give him a bit of direction. Do your job, crush his belief in the one person that he sees as a mentor. Do your job, tell him he'll be ok. Walk away. Somehow, that just doesn't feel right to me.


Blogger VDOFan said...

Dear Bobby honey..

I have been reading bu haven't been saying a whole lot, please forgive me for that.

Sometimes it's best not to walk away and someitmes you have to, cause you don't always have control and it's out of your hands.

Sometimes too personal can't come out too good.. and sometimes you have done all you needed to do to help.

I think it's you who knows best what you can and can't handle. and then you can decide on what you want to do about it.

I wish you well Bobby, even if I don't post, I still read everyday, and I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers..

Love ya Bobby!
hugs and God bless your friend

8:49 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Dearest Bobby -

Who says you have to just walk away? Don't let your relationship with your brother stop you from reaching out to help someone that you feel can be stopped from the same fate. The kid had the strength to turn in that SOB - he may be worth the effort. (???)

P.S. Just once today, smile that smile for me - and for yourself!

10:10 AM  
Blogger ann said...

Bobby, be yourself and you'll be doing the right thing.

lotsa luv ann xxxxxxx

11:32 AM  
Blogger Pat said...

You care so much about doing the right thing. That is so admirable! Hope you can be as good to yourself. You deserve to be happy.

2:41 PM  
Blogger Cordelia said...

It sounds as if you did all that you could do; you didn't just walk away from the kid. I agree with Pat's comment: be kind to yourself too. That's hard, I know.

5:54 PM  
Blogger bogusboobs said...

Sometimes it's necessary to insulate ourselves from those we love, so as not to be caught up in the tornado of their lives. Love and compassion are wonderful traits, but there's often a need for distance ... so don't beat yourself up for trying to protect your own sanity.

You've been the most reliably protective presence in your own life, and this is not the time to quit. Perhaps if your brother is someday ready to participate in his own recovery, you can once again choose to re-join his life. Until then, take care & be well.

10:44 PM  
Blogger Nomi said...

You are right in what you say about having to learn to walk away to save yourself. That is not just true with siblings. I had a friend that I ended up having to walk away from, because I realised that I could no longer help her, and my continued presence in her life was only making her situation worse. It hurts, and you feel guilty for it, but there's nothing you can do.
We can't help everyone we see, as much as we wish we could. You did what you had to do, and you did the best that you could. That's all you could do.

12:34 AM  
Blogger Gem said...

Wow, bogusboobs, what a quote:

You've been the most reliably protective presence in your own life.

If only more people from dysfunctional, destructive families could see the value in being their own heroes, their own protectors, we would have a better, happier society. Let's hear it for people who don't use destructive families as exuses to live desructive lives. Recovery from destructive behavior patterns is difficult, but not impossible.
You go, girl!

7:30 AM  

Bobby: You are such a compassionate and caring person. You give so much of yourself to others and I wish you would allow more people to do that for you. I love Grace's comment. Take care and remember we all care. :)

8:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We've never seen where Det. Goren lives and I believe he would have an apartment that would have lots of built in book shelves and books. He would own a laptop of course and a tv but not much else in the way of electronics. His place would be otherwise sparesly furnished and neat. He would spend most of his time at a large, well organized desk.

9:02 PM  

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