Friday, May 19, 2006

That Ache of Vulnerability Settles In

I'm not real sure when it happened or even how. I was doing fairly well this week and then all of a sudden I realized, I'm standing back several feet from where I thought I was. I had to look over my shoulder to find where I'm really at. Was my pace slowing down & was the backslide gradual or did I just wake to find myself thrown back in time. Either way, a whole new wave of familiar emotions. Most of all I feel vulnerable. I don't trust myself, I don't trust my reactions to anything at all. I feel fragile in spite of being a solid, fully grown man. What it is exactly that has caused me to feel this way, I'm unsure. I just know that in this moment I'm trapped in an emotional limbo. Too afraid to reach out & grab a hand, too doomed to even conjure up a momentary belief that I can make it alone.

What do you say when you don't know what is really wrong? How do you convince someone that you need them when you can't bring yourself to appear needy? How do you hang on when slipping seems like a slow motion fall into bliss?

13 Comments:

Blogger Darling_Donofrio said...

You sound like me at the moment. Like your soul doesn't quite fit into your body. You're reaching out for help, but there's nothing to grab hold of.

But never fear, Bobby. The feeling goes away. Eventually.

It's good to have you back and not hitting this place up for an old read. Cheers.

Whatever happens, just remember that it's not as bad as it seems. Sure, you don't quite fit in. But you're special. You deal with problems ordinary people (like me!) will never, ever face and to me, that doesn't make you weak. That makes you human.

Love ya,

CG.

7:44 PM  
Blogger DNY LOVES CRIMINAL MINDS said...

There are so many people in your life that truly care about you. You need to make an effort to speak with them honestly and let them know what you are going through. You are not alone and you need to realize that. :)

11:05 PM  
Blogger VDOFan said...

I am also in the same position as you Bobby, I really had a terrible week this past week, it happened after seeing LOCi this past week.

No matter what one tries to do to try to move on from one's past and biggest mistakes they ever made. and tries to do better by them, and lead a different life, and never do that again, people can't seem to get over what you have done, and see you differently than what they've come to know you as what you are now.

and they also can't seem to forgive, and realize what has been done, is done, and you can't change it no matter how much you wish you could.

Because of that, I was absolutely horrible this week, nothing could motivate me to do anything. Even when I wanted help, I just couldn't care less.. and even when my daughter who is my ray of sunshine in my life, and is my motivation to get up and do stuff everyday and makes my life worth living and to get past what I've done in my past, couldn't get me to move. That says something. and if she can't do it, no one can. You yourself have to push yourself, and realize what you need and get the help you deserve.

No one can make you do it, once you take that leap, you begin to feel better about yourself, and your life, even if there is always that nagging feeling in the back of your soul. You have to do what it takes to go on, If you don't you will always be stagnent. and that's not how I want to be and I don't think you want to either. Sorry for the long post. but I can totally relate.

Have a great weekend, and take care of yourself, take that leap.

Janice

10:30 AM  
Blogger a_lonely_girl said...

i no these feelings all to well... i asked myself those same questions before n still am. if i come up with any answers i will let u no...:/

5:02 PM  
Blogger ann said...

Bobby, sweetheart, all those feelings are natural; there is nothing wrong in feeling uncertain and vulnerable at times, but you are strong, stronger than you realise.

Don't be afraid to reach out to grab a hand... mine's here for you along with other people who all care and love you.

lotsa luv ann xxxxxx

6:27 PM  
Blogger Cordelia said...

Maybe someone will think of it as a privilege if they can be there for you right now, knowing that you would be there for them, in a another situation.

7:23 PM  
Blogger kathryn said...

It is very hard to let someone know that you need them, and the fear of appearing needy is exactly why. What if my need frightens them away, or worse yet, what if it amuses them?

But so many people are being held back by that same fear. And if no one reaches out, then this awful feeling of fragile loneliness is doomed to continue.

Everyone who visits this site is reaching out to you, Bobby. And reaching out for you.

If I believed that I was slipping slow motion into bliss, maybe I could let go.

7:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Grab someones' hand Bobby, let someone guide you through these rough moments. There has to be more to life than being a good, loving son and a policeman. You need someone to make you feel safe, sadly something you mother could not do because of her illness. Bobby you have imprisoned yourself with your mother. You need the kind of life I'm sure she would want you to have a wife, children. Instead your concerned about how to get through each day alone.

10:48 PM  
Blogger Riccie said...

Hi, Bobby. My week was not exactly peaches and cream. I hate it when my optimism gets stolen...but I think I have found where it was hidden. Just keep on keeping on. I wish I had a more profound thought for you...but, hey. It's been a week for the record books here...

3:02 PM  
Blogger FMJ said...

Extremely clever idea this. I also love your word usage. It feels like home. It helps me see the golden light coming from windows not as a mockery of my aloneness, but as warm beacons that say, you are not alone.
Well done.

12:37 PM  
Blogger Caroline said...

Whatthehellcaroline
Are you the real Bobby Gorean. Love Criminal Intent, SVU, but don't want to waste my time talking to a "wannabe"!

11:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best regards from NY! »

9:50 AM  
Blogger kdrodgers said...

Oh Bobby, you are the best on LOCI, and we need to see more of you instead of Logan, no offense. There is not an actor out there that could replace your character on CI! I feel like you are a strong man,sometimes scared and maybe even cry at times. That makes you who you are, and I think we are all like that, to try not to become vulnerable. Thanks,Kathy Rodgers

5:47 PM  

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