Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Go. Insane. Slowly.

Have you ever been in the unfortunate position to watch as someone slips from your grasp mentally? Physical injuries- well, they're obvious. Trying to argue and reason, then eventually beg and plead only to realize that it's hopeless, there is nothing that can possibly make them understand, it's just devestating.

Beyond devestating.

Looking at someone that in one way or other you've loved, respected fall completely to pieces & realizing that some of those pieces seem to have rolled away, it's just an unbearable thing to endure. They have no idea what is going on. Their pain is so great that they've transcended it and believe life is perfect and you're the one with the problem. It's a mixed blessing to deal with someone completely committed to the reality of their psychosis. It's upsetting but it's impossible to be angry or channel any blame towards them. Sickness is just so apparent that the need to help far surpasses anything else you may feel.

My mother has been in a facility for the last ten years but before that it was like walking on eggshells. What episodes are really bad? What can't she pull herself out of? When do you pick up the phone & have someone committed? Admitting to yourself that it really is that bad is heart breaking. The guilt of making that kind of phone call is only ever so slightly relieved by the knowledge that the person is getting help. Providing safety & help is most important until that's been accomplished. After the fact, even though you know that you've done the safest thing, the right thing, the guilt is still crushing.

So often I've seen people fall apart in front of me during an interrogation. You see things start to slowly unravel & I just know exactly where they're going to end up. It could be a psychotic perp or it could be the psychotic perp's husband that had NO idea before then that a problem even existed. My heart sinks and I start choking back stomach acid while sitting with these people because I just know the pain ahead. Even the right decisions will eat away at the lining of your stomach.

16 Comments:

Blogger Lisa said...

Dearest Bobby -
I wish there was some way I could ease your pain and ease your fears. The most important thing you need to remember is that you have been a source of comfort and solace for your Mother, even in her weakened state. You have done the very best you can, and even though she may not be able to tell you, she knows that you love her and have done everything you could to make her as comfortable as possible.

Take heart in that, Bobby. And stay strong - not just for your Mother, but for Yourself.

10:59 PM  
Blogger kathryn said...

Bobby,
As you know, I lost my mother to Alzheimer's in late December. One of my co-workers just lost her mother to cancer. Included in my sympathy for her is the realization that with her mother, there was hope; with mine, there was not. Now hope is another loss for her.
Clinging to hope is something we as humans do. And sometimes, it's the worst thing we can do to ourselves.
Much love to you, Bobby. And please know that I am always here.

9:34 AM  
Blogger DNY LOVES CRIMINAL MINDS said...

I am sorry you are feeling such anguish. You remain in my thoughts and prayers as always. :)

12:02 PM  
Blogger Bryde said...

Hope keeps you sane but that doesn't mean it is easy to keep.My granfather dealt with
Alzheimer's for over 10 tens before the current meds.he was slowly taken from us.I myself struggle to remember him as he truly was at all.

But I understand what feeling like you failed is like.It is similar to how I feel about my father,being an addict.Somehow you always hold out hope for better,for the person you know is under all that while you think of any and all ways to try to "fix" it and insulate yourself from the pain of it all.

You have learned many ways to cope...but there are always more....like binding with other people who understand.

I call it...collecting the other "broken" souls.because that is how we are seen,even though we know better.

1:33 PM  
Blogger VDOFan said...

I am sorry for what you are going thru, with pain, guilt and anguish. I can only pray for you and give you whatever advice that hasn't been given.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers!
God bless you Bobby and your family always!

hugs Janice

1:48 PM  
Blogger ann said...

Oh Bobby, I so understand and my hearts goes out to you

lotsa luv ann xxxxxx

5:05 PM  
Blogger DNY LOVES CRIMINAL MINDS said...

I hope you find some peace and have a comforting weekend. :)

7:26 AM  
Blogger Axe said...

Bobby, I feel deeply for you in this nighttime of your soul, but if I may sound insensitive----
You make me feel priviledged to live the hell I suffer. You make my demons feel a lot smaller.

I hope you find your sanity (and a nice piece of ass) this weekend and smile again!

9:09 AM  
Blogger Dr_George_Huang said...

I see the anguish from my patients that come through my office, it is tough for me to see and my heart goes out to them, as well as my heart goes out to you Bobby. Just know that by deepest sympathies are with you right now, while you are hurting. Best of luck to you my friend.

10:38 PM  
Blogger Axe said...

I don't feel comfortable with your silence, Bobby.
Should I?

9:46 AM  
Blogger Cordelia said...

I guess a psychosis is a way for some individuals to handle the unbearable. Like a protective shield covering the wound. No shame in that, but it's nothing less than painful to be the one watching it happen.

Others, like yourself, are facing problems, talking about them, handling them, perpetually connecting learning with feeling - that's something really essential in the midst of this chaos called life. But, you deserve moments of ease, of bliss, too. I hope they come your way.

11:55 AM  
Blogger Gem said...

Where are you?

7:10 PM  
Blogger Asha said...

Yes, Bobby..where ye be?

7:29 AM  
Blogger aces75 said...

Should have said something earlier.
I found this blog thru another & became hooked with the story, now I look forward to readidng daily & nothing for almost a week. Is it really possible to miss something that you really don't know?

Bobby you've been thru alot & delt with your circumstances the best you could. Please stop beating your self up your only human.And one of the strongest I;ve met.

And please please please a line or two to let us know your okay. Please?

Take care

8:56 AM  
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6:27 PM  
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5:42 PM  

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