Sunday, May 07, 2006

Ache

I should have been on the road an hour ago. Instead I've spent an hour slumped on the floor ready to leave & yet, I cannot will myself out the door. Cement shoes & instead I wish to god I was made of marble or something else that just rarely breaks. If ever. 2 days ago my moms condition backslid a bit. In spite of her increased meds she had another mild break. How many times has she broken since November? I've lost count but she never returns to where she was, it has yet to happen. I haven't seen her in the last two days & I've been warned that she'll likely not know or even acknowledge me. I geuss my head start on the grieving of my mother wasn't such a horrible idea after all.

This morning I'm just broken. I can't get it together. My heart just aches and nothing begins to even remotely touch the pain. Nothing can.

My own lonliness might ultimately be a good thing. If I do end up where my mother is at least there won't be anyone coming to visit, needing to grieve the loss of what was shared. What used to be. What just disintegrated within a few eye blinks.

18 Comments:

Blogger DNY LOVES CRIMINAL MINDS said...

You need to find a mental health professional that you feel comfortable with and talk with them. The burden you have been carrying for years is huge and it is effecting your daily life now. No matter how strong you are sometimes you still need the help of others.

You would never be alone and you would have visitors. You have many people that genuinely care about you. :)

11:03 AM  
Blogger Riccie said...

I'm with DNY on this one.
As for your mother; don't go. Find a few selfish cells inside of your body and take care of yourself today.

1:56 PM  
Blogger ann said...

Oh poor Bobby, you are feeling sorry for yourself. I so understand your second paragraph, but that is this morning; tomorrow is another day.

lotsa luv ann xxxx

2:40 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Oh, Bobby, come to Nashville and let me comfort you...

And listen to DNY - she is right on target with this one -

4:40 PM  
Blogger a_lonely_girl said...

bobby u need to think one day at a time n get through that day...then start over.

5:18 PM  
Blogger a_lonely_girl said...

bobby u need to think one day at a time n get through that day...then start over.

5:18 PM  
Blogger Darling_Donofrio said...

Bobby, if you honestly think that Alex would abandon you, you obviously don't know her that well. Remember when Nicole Wallace set you up as forcing that suspect Croydon to suidice? She was there. She'll always be there for you. That's what being a partner is all about. And we'd all come to see you, even if you didn't notice. Lewis would.

8:13 PM  
Blogger bogusboobs said...

I've heard people say that, athough Alzheimer's is a horrible disease, at least its sufferers are spared the "trip." They aren't aware, as you are, of the fate which awaits them.

But forewarned is forearmed, Bobby ... and don't you dare go gently into that good night. After everything you've survived, I can't believe you would consider conceding victory to this thing.

11:34 PM  
Blogger jen said...

how sick is it that I totally get where you're coming from with the loneliness bit? I've never mastered the ability to let people in and sometimes I wonder if I've managed to make a ripple on anyone else's pond. I keep people at arm's distance, too, and only occasionally worry about how self destructive that is.

9:20 AM  
Blogger Cordelia said...

There's a limit to anyone's strength. That doesn't mean you'll be in pieces forever. I hope you have someone with you right now, to give you some comfort, to get through this. I'm thinking of you, wishing for the best.

12:44 PM  
Blogger VDOFan said...

Don't fool yourself into thinking and believing that no one would come visit. That's simply isn't true. Alex would, Mikey would, Carolyn, Deakins, Carver etc,, and of course including all of us here, as well as myself.. would come see you. We geniunely care about you and we don't want anything to happen to you.

PLEASE DON'T LET YOURSELF go on a downward spiral! Get professional help while you can! You won't have to end up where your mother is.

My prayers and friendship are with you for whenever you may need them.

hugs to you dear Bobby

your friend Janice

4:12 PM  
Blogger mrsbg said...

erm.... Bobby, Bobby. The way you're kvetching, you'll be the one visiting me... oh and you think you'll be lonely... huh!

You are crazy... there isn't a piece of skirt between here and Timbuktu that doesn't fancy you.

Now come on, honey, cheer up and give me a kiss. mwahx mwahx

7:47 PM  
Anonymous SG said...

I get what you mean about the whole lonliness thing. I hope you're okay, at least a little bit. There's always someone out there thinking about you, so remember this when you feel lonely. *hugs*

4:58 AM  
Anonymous Kate said...

Detective Goren, you must be really depressed today because there is no way that someone as smart as you and particularily someone who has studied your mother's disease as much as you have would not know that this is an early onset disease and there is no way that it would strike someone at the ripe age of 47. If you have made it this far by being only slightly crazy and largely eccentric you are not going to a mental hospital and you know that better than any of us.

3:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Enjoyed a lot! »

12:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Bobby,
You definatly aew not alone. You and I could almost be twins. I
know your pain and lonliness. I
could just give you a big hug. So hols on tightand don't ever give up.

11:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Detective Goren,
you aren't alone.My mother also suffered from mental illness.I
do understand what you are going through.you nead a shoulder to lean on why not use mine?

11:53 PM  
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1:46 AM  

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