Friday, May 19, 2006

That Ache of Vulnerability Settles In

I'm not real sure when it happened or even how. I was doing fairly well this week and then all of a sudden I realized, I'm standing back several feet from where I thought I was. I had to look over my shoulder to find where I'm really at. Was my pace slowing down & was the backslide gradual or did I just wake to find myself thrown back in time. Either way, a whole new wave of familiar emotions. Most of all I feel vulnerable. I don't trust myself, I don't trust my reactions to anything at all. I feel fragile in spite of being a solid, fully grown man. What it is exactly that has caused me to feel this way, I'm unsure. I just know that in this moment I'm trapped in an emotional limbo. Too afraid to reach out & grab a hand, too doomed to even conjure up a momentary belief that I can make it alone.

What do you say when you don't know what is really wrong? How do you convince someone that you need them when you can't bring yourself to appear needy? How do you hang on when slipping seems like a slow motion fall into bliss?

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

I'm Still Here

I haven't run away. I've just been buried beneath work & a bit blindsighted by life. A real post hopefully later today.

thank you for all of the emails. I'm not going anywhere, no worries.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Go. Insane. Slowly.

Have you ever been in the unfortunate position to watch as someone slips from your grasp mentally? Physical injuries- well, they're obvious. Trying to argue and reason, then eventually beg and plead only to realize that it's hopeless, there is nothing that can possibly make them understand, it's just devestating.

Beyond devestating.

Looking at someone that in one way or other you've loved, respected fall completely to pieces & realizing that some of those pieces seem to have rolled away, it's just an unbearable thing to endure. They have no idea what is going on. Their pain is so great that they've transcended it and believe life is perfect and you're the one with the problem. It's a mixed blessing to deal with someone completely committed to the reality of their psychosis. It's upsetting but it's impossible to be angry or channel any blame towards them. Sickness is just so apparent that the need to help far surpasses anything else you may feel.

My mother has been in a facility for the last ten years but before that it was like walking on eggshells. What episodes are really bad? What can't she pull herself out of? When do you pick up the phone & have someone committed? Admitting to yourself that it really is that bad is heart breaking. The guilt of making that kind of phone call is only ever so slightly relieved by the knowledge that the person is getting help. Providing safety & help is most important until that's been accomplished. After the fact, even though you know that you've done the safest thing, the right thing, the guilt is still crushing.

So often I've seen people fall apart in front of me during an interrogation. You see things start to slowly unravel & I just know exactly where they're going to end up. It could be a psychotic perp or it could be the psychotic perp's husband that had NO idea before then that a problem even existed. My heart sinks and I start choking back stomach acid while sitting with these people because I just know the pain ahead. Even the right decisions will eat away at the lining of your stomach.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


...I brought it back, obviously.

Sunday, May 07, 2006


I should have been on the road an hour ago. Instead I've spent an hour slumped on the floor ready to leave & yet, I cannot will myself out the door. Cement shoes & instead I wish to god I was made of marble or something else that just rarely breaks. If ever. 2 days ago my moms condition backslid a bit. In spite of her increased meds she had another mild break. How many times has she broken since November? I've lost count but she never returns to where she was, it has yet to happen. I haven't seen her in the last two days & I've been warned that she'll likely not know or even acknowledge me. I geuss my head start on the grieving of my mother wasn't such a horrible idea after all.

This morning I'm just broken. I can't get it together. My heart just aches and nothing begins to even remotely touch the pain. Nothing can.

My own lonliness might ultimately be a good thing. If I do end up where my mother is at least there won't be anyone coming to visit, needing to grieve the loss of what was shared. What used to be. What just disintegrated within a few eye blinks.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006


"I Grieve"
Peter Gabriel

it was only one hour ago
it was all so different then
there's nothing yet has really sunk in
looks like it always did
this flesh and bone
it's just the way that you would tied in
now there's no-one home

i grieve for you
you leave me
'so hard to move on
still loving what's gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and on

the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
and i can't handle this

i grieve for you
you leave me
let it out and move on
missing what's gone
they say life carries on
they say life carries on and on and on

life carries on
in the people i meet
in everyone that's out on the street
in all the dogs and cats
in the flies and rats
in the rot and the rust
in the ashes and the dust
life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

it's just the car that we ride in
a home we reside in
the face that we hide in
the way we are tied in
and life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

did I dream this belief?
or did i believe this dream?
now i can find relief
i grieve

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

The Disconnect Doesn't Always Happen

We deal with so many broken people. Hardened criminals, people who snapped one day & committed a serious crime, then there are the families left to deal with what has happened. It's hard to stay detatched from everyone all the time. Sometimes you go out of your way to be more helpful or a bit more reassuring. Sometimes you give them your card because it's like handing a lifeline to someone whose life has just been demolished. When everything comes crashing down people will grab for any outstretched hand to help steady them at first. Some cops have taken a page from the old book & use their job as a dating service. I know real connections *have* been made but not usually. I think many of us are at times more involved than we need to be or sometimes more than we should be. Eames is a quiet yet dilligent supporter of womens' issues and you can bet that is we are dealing with any kind of survivor, they have her number to talk.

My being drawn to the kid that reminded me of my brother (& myself at times) was actually pretty mild. I've said before how overwhelming it is to connect so much with those who commit heinious acts of violence. Not just sort of understand the pathology, but find a thread running thru them that I connect with. Before John was killed in prison I visited him. I had to. He affected me so much. Looking at him, it made me realize just what lonliness, extreme lonliness can do to the wrong pathology. If you're already compromised then simple, ok overwhelming, emotions can just kill any sense of right & wrong. I understood his akwardness and I understood the soul-level need not to be alone. Basic needs. Someone to be there someone to lie next to you at night. Who doesn't want that at least sometimes?

Or the mother who focused every minute of every day on being a good mom and was unable to see that she really was one. Someone so beaten down by negativity, overwhelmed with responsibility and compromised by a chemical imbalance that homicide and suicide was her only percieved way out. What she did was horrific but no one realizes it more than she does. This case ate away at me because there was absolutely no reason for this tragedy. With help, meds and support she would have been fine and her boys would be alive.

Sometimes doing something or saying something is the only way to live with what I see.

Monday, May 01, 2006

A Younger Version of My Older Brother

Ever look at a kid & see yourself or your sibling peering back at you? Sure you have. A recent case has connected me with a kid that reminds me so much of my brother. This kid is 20 & already a gambling addict. My brother was the same way although he was small scale because he had no big backers. He angled his way into local backroom games, lost & would go back the next week determined to win. 30 years later the only thing that has changed for him is the stakes. Always in the hole, always being hunted, can't settle in to a real life. The only time my mother or I hear from him is when he needs money & that doesn't fly at all. I don't return the calls & haven't in probably years. There comes a time when you have to back off & save yourself & that's what I did.

This kid though, the gambling thing reminded me of my brother but the overall confusion about everything, well that struck a cord with me. When my mother got sick a lot was left to our father in terms of raising us & teaching us how to be adults. To say that he fell down (drunk usually) on the job would be an understatement. By the time I was 18 or 19 I felt like I was swimming in quicksand. I was no longer a kid & supposed to be doing adult things, yet I had no clue how to make the transition. Simple things like going to the grocery store seemed overwhelming. Decisions, every one seemed like it was life or death. An awkward time made worse by lack of direction.

This kid was hard for me to handle because well, it was personal. Do your job, be gentle. Do your job, give him a bit of direction. Do your job, crush his belief in the one person that he sees as a mentor. Do your job, tell him he'll be ok. Walk away. Somehow, that just doesn't feel right to me.