Friday, April 21, 2006

Room Is Spinning Out of Control

I attempted to sleep somewhat early last night. Things just felt unsettled and I tossed and turned a lot. I felt- different but I wasn't sure why. This morning I get it. I feel as though I opened my eyes to wake and really woke up. All sorts of personal truths sit staring me dead in the face. Like as if someone took me by the hand and said, "Here Bobby, you've done____________ these last few months and this is why. You see it now don't you?"

I do see it as clear as anything else.

I've spent the last several months slowly, very slowly grieving my mother. She still lives, breathes and exists but not as anything like the woman I knew even a year ago. In November I was hopeful that she'd be ok but since then I've slid through so many different phases of grief. I think a few months ago I subconsciously accepted that I've really lost her in most every sense and that left me just devestated. I didn't see it then, I never realized how bad I was or even why until now. Right now. The person that I knew and needed- even though she wasn't as functional as most- still, I needed her, she is gone. Her doctor tried to gently communicate that to me and while I dropped the ball on the outside, he did get thru to my subconscious because I have grieved for months.

She exists and I've grieved as if shes gone. She breathes and I know that part of her stopped, months ago. She's still here and yet somehow I know I'll never really see or spend time with her ever again. My mother for all intents & purposes really is gone & somehow I've managed to see it while remaining outwardly oblivious. I've grieved a slow, lingering death, have come to terms with it and am now left to still care for the person. The parent.

I feel keenly aware of so much more than I did even 24 hours ago. The cloud hasn't lifted and I still feel like I'm laying face down in a mud puddle but I think there's a light to crawl towards.


Blogger Axe said...

Crawl to me, Bobby. I just want to kiss away your darkness and take it into me before I leave you to your new perception.


6:33 AM  
Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

Thanks be to God! You have moved through to the next stage and are able to see and feel again. Grief is so hard to deal with and to watch as someone we love slips slowly and painfully away from us is a kind of suffering that seems to have no end. Naming what we know give us power to move on - to be awake, to see and to grow into our own truths. While it hurts, there is relief in knowing what it is. Please treat yourself well and gently. Eat, sleep, exercise, dance.
Crawling emtionally is a good way to begin again. Sometimes the best we can do is live between breaths - not even a day at a time, but hour by hour or minute by minute. Just breathing is enough and we can find the faith to go on in it. You are doing the very best you can. Blessings on your insights and your new beginning, Bobby.

8:41 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Dearest Bobby -

Bless your heart. I know what that kind of grief feels like - it is horrible and frightening. But, Thank God, you are beginning to come out the other side...

Stay strong and keep going. You have to crawl before you can walk.

11:24 AM  
Blogger VDOFan said...

Dear Bobby honey..

I don't know what to say as you leave me speechless.. Grieving is natural for "losing someone you love" even though physically she is still here, but the woman you once knew is gone, and you are letting yourself down gently to realize the end is near.

I believe she hangs on for you, so that you don't lose control or end up the way she did and has. She needs to know that you will be OK and that you have it under control. She won't go until she knows that. and you have to show her somehow that you are.

babies crawl before they begin to walk, and when you accomplished crawling into the dark is when you can begin to walk where there is light. (In the world you once knew)

I wish you well bobby.. you are in my thoughts and prayers..

hugs love ya Janice

12:56 PM  

I honestly do believe Axe could help you but I know you will make it through on your own. You are a tough person. All the best. I hope the weekend brings you joy. :)

2:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh sweetie. It's always darkest before the dawn. But there will be a dawn.

4:43 PM  
Blogger a_lonely_girl said...

im glad u come to realize something. i havent realized my something. im scared that i will never realize my own problems. im tired of looking to. but i cant give up can i?


7:37 PM  
Anonymous bj said...

As always you have touched my heart Bobby. You have made a major breakthrough in realizing the source of your depression. That certainly is the first step towards recovery. Wish I was there to curl up with you. Having someone who cares hold you makes all the difference. Please take care of yourself!

8:09 PM  
Blogger Cordelia said...

So good to hear that you see a possible light. You'll get there, even if you have to crawl.

6:51 PM  
Blogger NemesisNicole said...

Bobby, take two aspirins and call me in the moring! ;)

10:47 PM  

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