Sunday, April 16, 2006

The Quest for The Truth Is Not for The Fainthearted

I think many of us have an overwhelming, overpowering need to know who we really are. Especially if obvious pieces to the puzzle are missing. Then everything that you do learn, it just fuels the quest to find out more. I don't think that there's even necessarily a thought process to it, you just sort of do it without a moment's thought. I know that's how it has been for me in my life. I need to understand things about myself & after the fact, I realize I've taken odd steps to understand better.

It can be such a devestating, destructive road to travel though. Discovering who you really are and being able to face yourself & your own truths is terrifying. Realizing that you were an abused kid, that you've grown into an abuser yourself...maybe you saw a family member killed and forgot details until adulthood and then the only way to recover was to plow right thru the memories...or what if you reach a point where every single aspect of your adult life- every facet, just everything amounts to one great big lie...or maybe you woke up one day & realized that the mentally ill family member that seems so different from yourself isn't different at all, they're actually an older carbon copy of yourself and it has taken an adult lifetime to be able to stare that reality in the eye...

We need answers but nothing prepares us for the truth that follows.


Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

Not everyone wants to know or is psychologically capable of knowing - Nicole for example. Some folks bury the pain and split pieces of themsevles off. Then there are folks like you with that relentless need to know and understand. It is healthier in the long run to know and try and integrate the truths of our lives. It is hard and scary work and feels incredibly disorgainizing while we do it. Again, I really encourage you to do some work with a therapist. When you are working this deep and the truth begins to emerge, you need the support and guidance of someone who can be with you in the feeling, and help you cope and process. You are ruthlessly honest with yourself and very bright - I think the work would go quickly for you. Please be very gentle with yourself and very careful as you explore your current understanding of yourself and your Mom . . . give yourself some room to refine your conclusions. I continue to pray for your growth and health, and for a beginning to joy in your life.
P.S. If you aren't ready to try therapy, you migh find Robert Kegan's The Evolving Self: Problem and Process in Human Development (Harvard Press, 1982) of help to you.

9:11 AM  
Anonymous Shaikha said...

I have a question. Now don't have an accidental gun discharge over this one. But do you think that your fascination with Nicole is because you love her and feel the need to rescue her because you can understand her? Maybe you cant even empathize with her but ultimately you can understand. You were both in the same place with horrible childhood trauma and like a wishbone she snapped one way and you snapped the other. Maybe you aren't classified as a rescuer but at the end of the day, seeing what you see, day in and day out...its easy to run back to her. And you have seen her choose good...
Ok is that totally within the realm of possibilities? I mean, I'm dying to know, whats your honest take on her? She seems to be a recurring theme. So why can't you get her out of your head? (Althought this thread wasn't about her per se.)

10:14 AM  
Blogger jen said...

the human being's capacity to avoid and evade self truth is astonishing; struggling myself to take a good hard look in the mirror, worried that I keep myself so busy and distracted that I never find the time to search my soul. ponder and fret, worry and dread.

11:05 AM  
Blogger MartyF said...


You're obviously speaking of Tim Rainey here. And a sad case it was. But I also can't imagine it was an easy episode for your TV counterpart, D'Onfrio, to play either.

1:48 PM  
Blogger Cordelia said...

Pursuing knowledge, relentlessly, while protecting your own heart, that's important. Watching you, Det. Robert Goren, walking that tightrope, is so intriguing and rewarding. A mirror for my own life.

6:31 PM  
Blogger kathryn said...

And all during this relentless pursuit of self knowledge is this realization: once you know, you can't unknow.

9:51 PM  
Blogger VDOFan said...

Prepare for the answers.. Then Prepare to fall.

I hope you don't Bobby.

hugs Janice

1:01 PM  
Blogger DebWalsh said...

Well I know we all search for ourselves but few of us ever really figure it all out. You Bobby my Dear are a very strong individual you have grown up that way you had to with the childhood you had. Even your adult life has been extremely difficult. But just watching and reading all you say I have seen an extremely strong person behind it all. Yes sometimes the truth about ourselves can hurt but you can deal I know that you can it may feel like you can't at first but you will see your way clear through to the other side.

6:28 PM  
Blogger Veronica said...

Sweet Bobby, I feel your pain and anguish,for I am experiencing the same emotions that you are. We feel like "lost souls" not knowing where we are heading to in life. "Off the Beaten Path," as the saying goes. Hopefully we'll get back on the right path again soon. Take care XXXX

9:03 PM  

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