Thursday, April 27, 2006

Lend Me Your Might

This all leaves me feeling like nothing is secure. I thought I had things at least somewhat figured out & marginally accepted. I'm single, functioning & stable. I take care of my ill mother. That's how it is end of story. She can't help her condition & I can't fail her in any way.

How I wish it was all so cut & dry. I have to oversee her care but part of me wishes I could just simply never go back. All of this grief & nothing is over. There's no "fixing" her so in some ways the grief is appropriate.

My stability- is a sham. I'm slowly seeing myself as more like her than I care to admit even to myself. People say that I know better or the writing would be on the wall by now if I was going to head down that crazy road. What they don't get is that part of my inner turmoil these last few months is because not only is the writing really there, but I've had a chance to really read it upclose.

It is there & once something, anything stops me in my high strung, functional tracks I'm a goner.


Blogger bogusboobs said...

I'm suddenly wondering what you've been doing these past months (other than this obviously helpful exercise in self-reflection) to keep things in check. People in your situation often self-medicate, but it doesn't sound like you've chosen the "substance" route ... and I think that's a good thing.

Whatever it is you're doing, please hang in there, and do try to allow yourself to lean on those around you a little. If you do someday cross that tragic line, you need not do it alone ...

12:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been reading this site for quite some time now and you and I have so many life experiences in common, or nearly so, it frightens me, but also I understand why I feel the way I feel most of the time. My father "abandoned" us at a young age (he died when I was 16) and I had to step up and take care of things, because God knows, my sister wasn't going to do it. Up to that time, I had been fairly sheltered from life -- my parents were much older than anyone else's -- and it was hard, especially at that age.

I took care of mom and everything else that needed to be done until she passed away several years ago from spinal cancer. Watching her suffer through those 18 months was almost more than I could bear. I found myself at nearly 40 years old entirely alone in the world, because my sister was gone once mome died. Haven't seen or heard from her in over 6 years.

Being alone is hard. And if the burden of proving love is sacrifice, then you and I have certainly met that burden, and more.

I guess the point of all this is, what doesn't kill us makes us strong. If you can recognize and accept what you feel, and don't make excuses for yourself, and don't deny the validity of what you feel, then you are in no danger of losing yourself as you fear.

12:47 PM  

I completely agree with Grace...which I usually do. You really do need to open up to the people around you and let them be there for you. We all need to lean on people from time to time. :)

2:03 PM  
Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

Bobby, only you can know what you have seen, but stablility is, at best, always in a state of flux - for everyone. Grief is a complicated emotion and there is no easy way out of it except to follow it through. Where did yesterday's anger go? Is a part of your fear that if you let the anger out it will send you off your "high-strung, functional" track? Somewhere in the grief work you are doing, can you find some space to let yourself grieve the "collateral damage" losses of your Mom's illness - the childhood trauma, the fear you carry about mental illness, the weight that comes with being responsible for a parent? We are lending you our might as best we can.
As always, praying for you,

2:53 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

Between the damaged, evil and victimized people you deal with in your line of work and the long term repercussions of your mom's chronic illness, you have the weight of the world on your shoulders I think. That doesn't mean that you yourself are not stable. Your compassion for others shows us that you have real heart. You should not be alone.

3:00 PM  
Blogger ann said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5:05 PM  
Blogger Cordelia said...

Hold on. I am lending you my might.

5:15 PM  
Blogger a_lonely_girl said...

bobby u can email dealing with some painful issues too...if u ever wanna chat just even to talk bout anything emial me. ttyl!

5:40 PM  
Blogger Nomi said...

No one is infallible. You are, in the end, only human. Of course you're going to have moments when you wonder why, why, why. But you're not alone. That's the one thing you can be sure of. Never, ever alone.

6:38 PM  
Blogger ann said...

Bobby, I'm sorry. I just deleted my previous comment.

We are all here for you; you know we all care and love you and in truth you shouldn't feel alone... but it's not like that is it?

From the conversations I've had with someone this evening, the utter frustration that your words are not being heard, or being thrown back at you and twisted, that you feel you are banging your head against a brick wall... with all the best will in the world, at the end of the day you go into your bed alone with all those confused thoughts in your head, wondering just who is losing it?

I don't for one moment believe you are heading down that same crazy road as your mother, it's just that some days it feels like you are.

lotsa luv ann xxxxxx

8:02 PM  
Blogger Nicole Wallace said...

Might can't fight was is meant to be.

10:11 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Oh, zip it, Nicole! Bobby has all of us and you have no one. Deal with it.

2:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's not surprising you doubt yourself, you are constantly reminded and surrounded by once strong, intelligent functioning people who broke. You are not your mother and you are not the many people who's life's/deaths and misdeeds you deal with everyday. You are right to contemplate the effect all these things have on you as a person, but I think you underestimate yourself, you wont break and if you really fear that's inevitable then fight it, turn your anger, rage and fear against it. You cant save everyone but you can save yourself.

6:02 AM  
Blogger bogusboobs said...

Lisa: LOL!!

11:42 AM  
Blogger NemesisNicole said...

Look, dumbo, (sorry, I love that word), you are NOTHING like your mother. Stop beating yourself up. (That's MY job!) Your mother has zero control over her mind while you do. You are creating your own bloody demons but the worst is, your demons are imaginary. Once you stop looking elsewhere to blame for your demons, and accept your mothers' fate, you might one day be alright. You have might inside yourself. I, of all people, should know.

(Second thought: WTF am I doing giving you advice? Stop making me feel sorry for you! ARGHH!)

9:35 PM  
Blogger NemesisNicole said...

Hero (Yep, the Mariah song!!)

There's a hero

If you look inside your heart

You don't have to be afraid

Of what you are

There's an answer

If you reach into your soul

And the sorrow that you know

Will melt away

And then a hero comes along

With the strength to carry on

And you cast your fears aside

And you know you can survive

So when you feel like hope is gone

Look inside you and be strong

And you'll finally see the truth

That a hero lies in you

It's a long road

When you face the world alone

No one reaches out a hand

For you to hold

You can find love

If you search within yourself

And the emptiness you felt

Will disappear

Lord knows

Dreams are hard to follow

But don't let anyone

Tear them away

Hold on

There will be tomorrow

In time

You'll find the way

And then a hero comes along

With the strength to carry on

And you cast your fears aside

And you know you can survive

So when you feel like hope is gone

Look inside you and be strong

And you'll finally see the truth

That a hero lies in you

9:40 PM  
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10:26 PM  

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