Saturday, April 01, 2006

Internal Rain

Yeah, it has been a few days. I don't really know what to say or even how to say it. I have no formed thoughts & no idea why I even opened up the entry box & started to type.

The last few days have been somewhat unbearable. Nothing is obviously out of place. I still get up at the same time each morning, still grab my coffee from the same vendor while walking the last block to 1PP. I'm still working long hours & I still come home to the same apartment swearing that this will be the night that I actually clean it up. Routine. Familiar. Unremarkable. that should actually make for a fairly calm week.

Instead I feel like everything inside has just crashed. It's all familar & yet nothing feels comfortable. Something is different in spite of appearances.


Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

It's called depression, Bobby - and if you look in your psych 101 text book, you'll find the definition of depression is "anger unexpressed turned inward on the self." I am sure that Carmel Ridge has social workers who provide support for families. Talk to one of them - or get in touch with the PBA - they can refer you to good folks who can listen and help. Don't isolate yourself - reach out. Keep talking. We are here, too.
Praying for you. . .

12:23 PM  
Blogger major malfunction said...

I feel exactly the same right now, everything is the same and yet everything feels different... wrong. Nothing and nobody has an affect one way or the other. So if I figure out what caused it or how to snap out of it I'll let you know, you be sure to do that same in return ;o)

12:28 PM  
Anonymous caseyswife said...

Dearest Bobby -

Why don't you try getting out - take a walk; call Alex, Bella or Chloe; just change your scenery for a little while. Sometimes just having the sun on your skin can be a great refresher and change your outlook a bit. I have suffered from depression since my teens, and I also have a tendency to isolate myself when I am feeling down and out. Going outside is very hard sometimes, but I find that in the end, it does help.

We are always here for you, our lovely Bobby. God bless you and your Mother.


2:16 PM  
Blogger DebWalsh said...

I guess I am a day late and a dollar short again LOL but I don't think today would be a good day for a walk seeings that it is poring down rain and being as close to NYC as I am it is probably raining there as well.
But a change might not be a bad idea Bobby you need something different to stir your interest and get rid of that uncomfortable feeling. Something to take your mind off your blues.

3:25 PM  
Blogger Gracie said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so badly right now.

4:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're either burned out - or bored shitless. I'm not sure which.

11:09 PM  
Blogger Jules said...

Or you could do like I do....think happy thoughts about burning the place down instead of cleaning it.....

12:28 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

Bobby, you have to go outside! The weather is amazing! You won't be able to prevent yourself from smiling!

Love, Sara

4:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

'Fake it 'till you make it' was my ex-company's motto. Yeah. Didn't work for me, either. But there has always been a rainbow at the end of the rain for me. I'm sure it will be there for you, too.

7:33 AM  

We all have the unsettled feeling from time to time and most of us have not been through in life what you have. I really do think that finding a mental health professional to talk with would be a benefical thing for you to do. I hope you find the peace you so deserve. :)

10:49 AM  
Blogger bogusboobs said...

There's lots of good advice here, Bobby. I'll only take issue with the recommendation that you reach out to the PBA. As much as they claim they're "here for you," such work-based groups are composed of humans, with their human frailties. And it's a bit too close to home.

Get outside the loop, and get some help there. Then get outside. This is the nicest day NYC has seen in weeks, and tomorrow calls for more rain ...

3:38 PM  
Blogger Lady Vengeance said...

Life...yes, welcome to the machine.

8:04 PM  
Blogger Nomi said...

You sound so much like you need a complete change of scenery... a complete change of everything.
Dr Kate is right. DOn't isolate yourself.
Though, in putting all of that into this blog, so you are effectively opening up and reaching out to a point. That's a positive step in itself.
We're all here for you, though. I hope you know that.

8:08 PM  
Blogger NemesisNicole said...

I vote that you are bored shitless.

8:59 PM  
Blogger Olivia Benson said...

Reach out, we're all here for you.

1:38 AM  
Blogger DebWalsh said...

OK I have been wanting to say this for about 4 days now...
Gonna find my Bobby gonna hold him tight. Gonna grab a little afternoon delight.
OK now that I have said it...I feel much better.

5:54 PM  
Blogger Isabella Manning said...

If you need to talk, you know I'm here for you.

11:05 PM  
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