Monday, April 10, 2006

I Know, Really I Do

I know that it's not a blame thing. I know that I cannot control the devious acts of others. If someone wants to do harm or if they are hell-bent on accomplishing something (even if it's negative) they'll likely do it. None of us can control the actions of others & no one has the advance hindsight to see things coming in order to make a pre-emptive strike.

I just wish.

Seeing my mother victimized just kind of damaged me. Neither of us has been the same since. I'm used to just kind of living in the moment, sort of just reacting to the things around me.

That's who I am. Or at least it's who I was.

Now, I'm just kind of here. A watered down, zoned out variation that I'm not liking so much. I know that I've needed some help before I really lost it. I feared one of those instant reactions being a little bit too big. I feared hurting someone because of all the pent up- rage that I've been carrying.

Now I'm here. Along for the ride without much to give or so it feels. The energy that propelled me & fueled my days has been replaced with a series of delayed reactions.

Maybe the mood swings & manic behavior was better than this. At least I was living in the moment & being unpredictable gave me an edge on the job.

12 Comments:

Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

Of course you wish .. . it hurts not being able to make things better or not being able to prevent awful things happening to people we love. Prolonged suffering sucks . . . and it results in exactly the kind of depressive affect you describe. The rage you feel is ok - it's appropriate to the situation. You have controlled the rage by internalizing it so that the only person you have hurt because of it is you. You know you've "needed help" before you "really lost it". So please, reach out and get the help you need to take care of you. Get the support you need to feel better body and soul. You aren't alone -all we can do, though, is be present in your suffering. You have to do the work of saving you yourself. Please be gentle with yourself. Prayers coming your way for strength and courage.
Kate+

9:28 AM  
Blogger Gracie said...

I read somewhere that it takes alot of courage to ask for help from others. This stuck with me as I always believed that asking for help was a sign of weakness, of not being totally in control. To allow someone else to help you gives you greater control and connectiveness than you would have thought possible.Conquer your fear and get the help you know you need. With you, as always...Grace

11:45 AM  
Blogger Cordelia said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4:08 PM  
Blogger Cordelia said...

That high-powered sensitivity you reveal is what makes you special, and human, and a great detective.

That rage you feel can fuel you to move on. Not all bad things are your fault and people are responsible for their own choices. I know you really know this, but it can't hurt to say it again.

It hurts if you cannot protect your loved ones from immoral acts of others. How could it possibly be otherwise? The ability to feel so strongly makes you truly human, and who is interested in anything less. I have faith in you, and I am not even a believer.

5:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dearest Bobby, The rev.dr.Kate is right. Please get some professional help before you fall into that black, bottomless, hole,forever,never to return back to living. I know exactly how you feel,because of my own life experiences.There is a poem by an author,named Norman Cousins: "Death is Not the Greatest Loss In Life.The Greatest Lost is 'What Dies Within Us While We Live"' I feel this way,and I'm trying to "pull myself back" from all the tragedies and hurt I've experienced over the yrs.It is so difficult to do,but I guess we have to try to keep plugging along in life.Keep trying to get by,day by day,Love,and Don't give up on yourself!! Take care,as always, FT

7:30 PM  
Blogger Riccie said...

Knowing and believing are two different worlds. If you can find a way to make your heart connect with and hear your brain-you've got most of the battle won.

8:13 PM  
Blogger Virginia Dare said...

Its okay to let Alex drive for awhile, it doesn't mean you've lost it...

12:01 AM  
Blogger Pat said...

Sometimes we all need to back off a little-especially in a profession that is so intense,demanding, dangerous and emotionally charged as yours it. Taking time to recharge your internal battery is a good thing.

9:36 AM  
Blogger Isabella Manning said...

Don't just try and circle.

Move forward.

And...if you need to talk. You know where to find me.

9:28 PM  
Blogger Axe said...

Use your rage to fuel the fire you used to be, Bobby. Remember the Phoenix.

2:56 AM  
Blogger NemesisNicole said...

Bobby, don't just sit there and whinge! Do somethging for yourself for once!! AAAGH!

9:06 PM  
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10:29 PM  

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