Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Have You No Shame- Don't You See Me?

Did you ever allow someone to get to know you, the real you, only to realize that it was a colassal mistake? Did you ever start to piece together a friendship built completely on trust and honesty only to discover that it was a sham from the get-go, unbeknownst to you? Have you ever trusted someone with absolutely everything only to find yourself betrayed to the core?

So here I sit, wondering how this has happened. How could I have let anyone get close enough to hurt me this much. Especially when I thought I've been more guarded than ever before. I've been fucked with so much in the last year that I was sure, I knew that my instincts could not, would not fail me now. Don't you see? I'm supposed to be smarter now. I've been through so much crap, so many mind games that I'm supposed to see a game 10,000 feet away. No one could screw with my brain now- or so I thought.

Instead my mind has been messed with for months. This is by someone that I grew to trust while dealing with everyday life. Someone who encouraged me to let my emotions go. They "needed to come out". Eventually I knew, absolutely knew it was safe. Anything, any emotion was safe. I could be real and it was ok. I didn't need to keep the typical walls up. I could answer the phone and breathe a sigh of relief when I heard a particular voice because I didn't need to fake my way thru another conversation. I could just be however I really was and it was ok. Not only was it ok, but I was always left feeling better, stronger and very fortunate to have such a good person listening. Such a kind, gracious person that I would have done absolutely anything for.

What a gullible asshole I am. I'm sick thinking about it.

Trust. Faith in anyone. Both of these are shot. I trust no one, nor do I care to. It has only led to my deep freeze of late. I used to put others first but obviously that has been a mistake. Just a week ago I told this person that I never questioned what they told me & that I always believed that they were honest with me. Always. "Trusted beyond compare" I think was my exact phrasing. Good God I'm better off alone. I've been in avoid people mode most of my life and it really is turning out to be better that way. Maybe superficiality is underrated. Maybe it does have its high points.

The worst thing is realizing, truly understanding just how unimportant and disposable I have been. Wouldn't you think after months of connecting and long conversations, don't you think that person would matter? Don't your friends matter to you? I know mine do. This particular person keeps lying, in order to save their own sorry ass. Poof. I no longer mattered in the least. The SUPPOSED emotional connection became invisible, as if it never existed. I spent months handing myself to someone that in one instant declared me nonexistent. Or worse yet, just a small detail, a wrinkle in their otherwise wonderful life. Certainly not the priority that I was made to feel I had become.

My eyes give everything, every emotion that I have away. It has always been that way. I don't need to speak really. My eyes tell all. So how can someone look into my eyes and bold face lie? Lie and see me in return looking back with full implicit trust. How does anyone do that to someone that they care about? I know we all hurt each other but why do it intentionally? Why say something dishonest, especially something that really matters.

I've always been a loner and so letting people closer, this was new to me. I've found comfort in the good feelings. Because in spite of all the garbage, I've still been able to see and appreciate the good. Now what? What do you do when you realize that a good chunk of the good was fake? A person that you saw as proof that good people still exist has turned out to be worse than you ever imagined possible.

What do you do when you have to accept that someone that you knew would never speak badly of you has done just that while playing hot potato with your heart and soul?

I don't let many people in. Not many get really close to me, the real me anyway. What I've learned this past week is that my protective walls need to be much higher because something really big got by me this time.

16 Comments:

Anonymous caseyswife said...

Dearest Bobby -

I am so sorry that someone took advantage of your generous heart and your(seemingly)well placed trust. Lord knows, we have all been betrayed by people that claimed to care and then just turned their backs. It stinks to high heaven, but, that is life, in a lot of ways.
I was hurt by a man that I moved to another state to be with - left my family, my job, everyone and everything I knew. A week later he decided that 'this' just wasn't going to work, so I slinked back home. But, in the end, that hurt led me to the life I have now - a loving husband, a closer relationship with my family, and several children (of the four-legged variety.) As Shakespeare so eloquently said, "Love all, Trust a few, Do wrong to none."
Even if your trust is betrayed, it doesn't mean that you can never trust again, Bobby. Keep that big heart of yours open and you never know what can happen.

Yours Always,
caseyswife

11:54 AM  
Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

Oh, the terrible power we have to wound one another! Among your many gifts is the ability you have to be so honestly vulnerable. I think it is the source of your great compassion and empathy. That someone would use that vulnerablity to betray you - especially now - speaks volumes about them and only them. Your feelings are natural, but you are not to blame for trusting someone. Wanting to build higher walls is certainly an understandable reaction. But give yourself some time to think through your feelings. To let someone else's behavior change who you are at the core of yourself is to let that individual take up permanent residence in your soul. You have much more strength of character than that. You do have friends who care and with whom you are safe. Keep trusting those of us here.
You are in my prayers as always.
Kate+

12:24 PM  
Blogger Bryde said...

I know what that is like Bobby...since right now you and I are in the same boat.A friendship I built over 10 years (and I now know I overestimated as a friendship) was totally blown to pieces by the other person in the dyad.I do not know why they did this.

All I know is that I was a good friend and maybe,just maybe...they didn't like hearing what they needed to hear about their drug/alcohol habits.That is the only guess I have as to WHY they would just cut me away like that.

I should not be hurt,because I KNEW,deep in my heart that shomething bad would happen....and I just went on ignoring it.

It sucks to be blindsided like that Bobby,it is inhuman...but lick your wounds and return to the world because I KNOW that their are people who won't hurt you (or me) out there.In the meantime....this is how I see my betrayal:

Purge


Sickness sits in my belly
seeping through my bones
racing through my veins
seething into my mind.

Burning bile
red fury
viridian disgust
onyx cruelty
cerulean grief.

Sat too long
fermenting all the while
growing smutch
too quick to catch
too vast to kill.

All that can be done now
is to purge.

12:45 PM  
Blogger VDOFan said...

I know the feeling, I have trusted people and have been hurt by people who said they were "my friends' only to have been betrayed by them. You have to live and learn, and go on, and you still have to trust people to an extent, and also go by your instincts on what to tell and what not to tell, who you can trust and who you can't.

Sometimes we will get hurt sometimes we won't, but we will never know unless we go thru it. and in the end, we'll have some really great long lasting friendships!

I wish you well and the best Bobby! Please take care.

hugs Janice

1:57 PM  
Blogger Nicole Wallace said...

At least with some of us, you know what you're getting.

3:25 PM  
Blogger Jules said...

OK, Bobby....who you want cut?

All joking aside, I know how you feel. And, at times, being alone is the better part of valor. Take some time to get over this. Now more than ever you need some "Bobby Time".

6:01 PM  
Blogger Cordelia said...

Oh, man, I feel like turning to that deceitful and cowardly person and speak my mind, saying that it is not ok to treat someone like you have been treated. It simply is not.

How painfully well I know of the protective walls you talk about; they go up like invisible fences after experiences of being minimized, ignored and hurt. To some extent you have to protect yourself, wiser than before. But this person who you let in, only to be used by, please let them not take away your power to trust someone else.

Yeah, I know how it sounds. That is easy to say. Less easy to act upon. But you are important, not them. Not in the long run. They have gotten more than their share, and enough is enough. It is not shameful to go into hiding a while, just leave a little opening in the door so that some new friends can come your way.

6:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sweet Bobby, try not to let this "person" anger and depress you so much. I know,easier said than done! I have been betrayed by so many people,especially family,since my Precious sister passed away. One of my brothers,who used to be close to me,even hung the phone up on me,when I tried to call him a few times. Only explanation I got from him was,"Can't talk about it now". How the hell am I supposed to know if I did something wrong to him, if he doesn't tell me? I'm not a mind reader! Many people think that others are mind readers. Have a deep hard talk with this person, to find out why he/she did this terrible thing to you.Hopefully,you'll get the truth you need! Love FT

6:51 PM  
Blogger jen said...

ouch.

cringe.

beeen there, done that, on both sides of the equation, I regret to confess.

sigh.

6:23 AM  
Blogger DNY LOVES CRIMINAL MINDS said...

We have all had that happen to us. I am sorry someone let you down. :(

8:01 AM  
Blogger NemesisNicole said...

The answer is no because I'm not as foolish as you are.

9:05 PM  
Blogger kathryn said...

Bobby, I am a couple of days late on this one. I am sorry you were hurt. It seems like these games people play only belong in grade school and we should have been able to leave them behind.
My kid sister and a friend from work gave me these two pieces of advice: "Never believe a man who tells you exactly what you want to hear," and "If you walk around with an open mind, someone will shit in it." So much truth there, this info should be included in the Girl Scout Handbook.
No one, and I mean NO ONE, has ever made a mistake by trusting me. Everything I've ever done has been based on sincere feelings. This is true about all the people I knew growing up. Imagine my surprise when I learned that the world is full of people who are different! With each disappointment I become more bitter. But no less trusting. I don't get it. But I'm still walking around with an open mind. Still believing.
There is someone out there for both of us who will appreciate that we never let the 'players' change us. Made us much more timid, but at the core, did not change us.
I send you my love, my friend. Hope you are feeling better.

5:37 PM  
Blogger Riccie said...

My history is littered with memories of people I have placed my trust in and in return have been screwed royally. Building higher walls is not the answer for me, I have found. It makes for too lonely an existence. And so, I trudge through life, with a back full of jagged, ugly scars from all of the knives slammed into it. Yeah, it'll bring me down. For a little while. And then hope follows. I guess I'm still naive enough to believe. Besides, I've found a few people that do stick with me, despite all of the crap I've defensively given them, despite my desperate attempts to drive them off, despite me being me at my worst. Rare gems, but I have been fortunate enough to have bumped into them...Don't build the walls too high, Bobby. Not only does it keep everyone out- it traps you inside.

9:41 PM  
Blogger Gracie said...

I hear what you are saying but I don't know any magic words to say to you. I do know that when I decicded not to feel or connect anymore I was able to rid myself of some painful emotions. I also found out that I was unable to feel any good emotions either. Unfortunately, when you turn off feelings, you don't get to choose which ones you want and which ones to throw away. Please don't give that person so much power over how you want to live your life. Yuo are much better than that.

1:44 PM  
Blogger DebWalsh said...

Well Bobby I can sit here with perfect understanding of what you are going through cause somebody I trusted implicitly has just played the lets screw Deb game So I will not let that person back in my life but I do understand just how you feel after a long time of conversing with somebody and letting them in that they could really be that way with you...It is an awful feeling.
:(

5:37 PM  
Anonymous Helen said...

Dear Bobby

Stay strong. You sound to me like you are still in the "shock phase" . I am also there and it hurts so deeply. Get plenty of rest and I sincerely hope your future life brings you happiness.

2:38 AM  

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