Sunday, April 09, 2006

Frozen

I've noticed a definite change in myself since, oh, maybe November. I think back then I was reacting & at times over reacting to everything around me. When the excop got in to Carmel Ridge to see my mother- something just changed then. I hung up the phone after being alerted to the situation & I was not the same person. It was as if the ground shifted & I was left grasping for footing. Only the sudden movement was actually in my head. I've lost my cool at work before, I've gone to bat for the most heinious of perps because somewhere, somehow they struck a chord with me. I've rhumba'd my way around the interrogation room with a man nearly my size and I've crossed the line (table) on more than one occassion to sit beside someone that I'm supposedly nothing like. So many situations where I've just sort of seized the moment & trusted my instincts (or flew by my ass depending...).

Those instincts told me that as much as I hate having my mother locked in a safe place, it is indeed a safe place for her. The things on the outside that trigger her so much & make it impossible for her to actually live out here, they can't get to her. It was the trade off for having her there- the piece of mind that came from knowing that no one could intentionally set out to harm her. She was protected & shielded from that.

Except for that one lousy day when that lousy excuse for a human being walked into that hospital. He knew that speaking to her, asking questions of an old woman that is too fragile to live in the real world as we know it, he knew that it would harm her. Break her a little bit more. I never saw that happening. In spite of what I see everyday on the job I never really believed that someone would aim so low. Tormenting an unstable old woman, I guess I'd have thought that she would be off limits even to someone missing a portion of their conscience.

That day I lost something. Part of my own mind I think. Someone saw her as a target & it was simply to get back at me. My doing my job cost her one more tiny piece of herself. She slipped a bit further away then & to be honest she has yet to really come back to where she was. I've felt responsible for every step backwards, every break & every setback that she has suffered since. At first I was ballistic & that got me nowhere. Reacting didn't help or change anything. The mood swings weren't just wicked, they were dangerous. I had to force myself to keep in control until it became easier. Now I feel precious little, overachiever that I am.

6 Comments:

Blogger VDOFan said...

Well Bobby,

it's not your fault, that she fell back. People are ruthless and very uncaring and this person knew that there was a way to get to you personally and they used it. It's their fault, not yours at all.

She will come back, have faith, and just believe. Talk to her doctors/nurses, and say a prayer or two and talk to your mom. Just being there for her like the way you are, means alot to her. I am sure.

Please talk to someone of the professional kind. You can analyze everything, and see the best possible way to work it out. other than driving yourself completely crazy, cause that's not going to help you or your mom. It will just make you guys worse.. and we don't want that.

Have a great week! My friend!
hugs Janice

12:38 AM  
Blogger Gorengyrl said...

Don't blame yourself Bobby, you can't sit outside her door and watch her 24 hours and day and make sure that she is safe and neither can the nurses or doctors. You've got to leave things up to chance sometimes. You're going to end up making yourself sick with worry and your health can start deteriorating, because of lack of sleep or lack of food. (You've told us that you aren't sleeping well already.) You can't do this to yourself, it IS NOT your fault Bobby.

Hugs,
Kara

12:48 AM  
Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

Strong feeling frightens most of us and we are taught to be afraid of it. You are right that "going ballistic" doesn't help - reacting out of emotion rarely does. Expressing emotion appropriately does. You have every right to hate having your mom in a facility (even though it is best for her), every right to be outraged that someone would use her vulnerability to get at you. Keeping control has cost you- physcially in loss of sleep, migraines, etc. and emotionally in feeling "precious little" and losing trust in your instincts. Cutting ourselves off from strong feeling is not healthy and connecting to our feelings (and expressing them) does not mean we have to lose control. Feelings are simply what they are - and we can always choose what we do with them. You can cut off from the feeling as you have been doing, or you can acknowledge it and work it through in a way that is safe. Talking it out with a professional would be of help to you, but you seem very reluctant to try that. You know alot about human psychology and you know yourself very well- use what you know to help you work your feelings through in a controlled way. Re-connect to your feelings through your body. Try a kick-boxing class, stomp your feet, throw rocks in the river, find a private space and cry or curse God or fate or karma - find some physical activity that will let you express the feelings safely. You can do this - and you need to. In the meantime, keep talking - you are working through some very difficult stuff and you have worked hard to understand where its coming from. Keep going - we are all here for you.
Praying for you and your Mom,
Kate+

7:22 AM  
Blogger Riccie said...

Oh, Bobby. Bobby.

8:11 PM  
Blogger Jules said...

Far be it of me to offer advice to a normal person, but I can offer my services if you would like to get back at this toad.....

3:22 AM  
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10:25 PM  

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