Friday, April 07, 2006

Breakable Thread

Yeah I have been a bit more melancholy. I've hit a rough patch of sorts I guess. My reactions to things just seem off, even to me. I'm working on it. No maybe I'm just riding it out. That seems more like it. I feel far more fragile than I look & I know that I'm much more durable than I feel.

I've clocked many hours at Carmel Ridge lately & that hasn't helped me. I have to do what I have to do there to ensure my mothers' care but... when I leave the building & drive off the grounds a chill just sets in. Somewhere in my mind I'm always dreading ending up there myself. I drive away fearing that someday I won't be as lucky.

Someday I'll be stuck on the inside peering out.

12 Comments:

Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

"More fragile than I look, more durable than I feel" . . . you put it very well. I think you do have great reserves of emotional and psychological strength, but even the strongest of people can be worn down overtime and become "fragile." And it is very normal that our worst fears haunt us at the times when we are most fragile . . . living with a family history of mental illness is not easy. I know being in control is important for you - as it is for most adults who have survived deep emotional trauma, but I would still urge you to talk to someone in the mental health field who can support you. You do not have to carry the weight alone and talking to someone does not mean you lose control. It is just a chance to set the load down for awhile before you pick it up again.And it will help you put your fear of being on "the inside peering out" in perspective. There are a lot of folks here who care - keep talking to us. Know that you and your Mom remain in my prayers.
Kate+

7:07 AM  
Anonymous caseyswife said...

We would never let that happen to you, dearest Bobby.

caseyswife

9:39 AM  
Blogger VDOFan said...

I wouldn't let that happen to you. We are all here for you for every type of support that you may need. Please take care of yourself, and don't let it consume you.

I know easier said than done right?

hugs janice

9:48 AM  
Blogger Axe said...

Bobby, give me your home address. I'll change your life.

xxx

10:39 AM  
Blogger Nicole Wallace said...

Only if you don't have an outlet for any madness you experiance...

You shouldn't worry, darling.

1:54 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

Hang in there Bobby.

6:52 PM  
Blogger DNY LOVES CRIMINAL MINDS said...

I hope you are feeling more hopeful soon. :)

7:25 PM  
Blogger kathryn said...

My mother spent the last nine years of her life in a nursing home. I know how awful it was for us to have to make that decision. With that in mind, I have already told my son that that is what I want. I don't want to frighten my grandchildren or strain my son's marriage. When the time comes, a nursing home is what I want, and I don't want him to feel bad about it. I pointed out to him that I am telling him this now, now when my mind is clear so that he never has to wonder if he made the right decision.
I fear the Alzheimer's disease that took my mother. But I don't fear being on the inside looking out. I've seen it happen. And there are worse things.

12:16 AM  
Anonymous caseyswife said...

Kathryn -
What a wonderful post to share with Bobby and us. Your words are full of the wisdom that comes from experience and I hope they help Bobby - and all of us out here whose fears get bigger than ourselves at times.

Please try and listen to her advice, Bobby. Sounds like she knows where you are coming from.

caseyswife

1:38 AM  
Blogger ann said...

Bobby, part of my work is with nursing homes and I see many residents with dementia and EMI (elderly mental and infirm) and their lives are all the richer for being there and cared for properly. None of us know what will happen to us as we get older (according to some bloggers I should be pushing up daisies by now) but if there is help out there, we should take it.

I know it's hard to see your mother this way, but she is in the best place and her needs are being met.

lotsa luv ann xxxxxxx

7:38 AM  
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