Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Anger Turned Inside Out

The rage I've felt on & off, I finally get that as well. It's understandable although not exactly justifiable. It all cycles back to the schizophrenia. I know that my mother cannot help how she is or how she was even years ago. She has done her part to try, she really has. She has taken her meds like clockwork for decades, seen shrinks & psychologists weekly. She did everything that she could to try to be ok. I think that's why having her institutionalized was so painful. She wasn't just crazy, dangerous & clueless as to both of those things. Instead she just kept skidding & sliding in slow motion. I could only watch & wonder what comes next- until it was obvious.

There's this part of me that has been kept under wraps in one of the darkest, most far off corners of my heart & it just oozes venom. It's like a slow drip but it's always there. On bad days I feel the rage simmering & I'm afraid it'll come out on the wrong person at the most inappropriate time imaginable. On really bad days I just want to shake her & scream,

"Why can't you fight this? What the hell is the matter with you why can't you just snap out of it already?? Your life & the QUALITY of your life could be very good if only you WANTED it to be!"

I know that it would do not a momentary bit of good. I know it wouldn't. I know that she broke for reasons that she couldn't control & I know that the mental illness has overpowered her & more often than not completely changed her. I know these things in my heart & in the pit of my stomach.

Some days it just doesn't matter how educated I am, I simply feel what I feel.

6 Comments:

Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

AMEN and THANK GOD! You are ALLOWED to feel what you feel. Feelings are just what they are - they have no moral quality. It is what you do with the feelings that matters. You have done your best to understand your Mom's issues. You have cared for her, gotten her the best help you could and are faithfully trying to stay in relationship with her. That it is not her fault isn't the issue. You were/are still abandoned and left to manage some complicated things. You have every right to be absolutely furious. The work now is to process the anger in a healthy way. Find some private space and scream or cry. Head for the punching bag at the gym. Throw rocks in the river, write poetry or prose, get it out. Once that anger is expressed, you can see it for what it is and work it through. You need to grieve for the part of you that has been lost in this situation. This is the next piece of your own healing. You will be able to come back to the love you feel for you Mom and you will be able to go forward into whatever relationship can be had in her current state from a place of strength and comfort inside yourself. God be with you both, Bobby, as you continue this painful journey.
Kate+

11:00 AM  
Anonymous many of bobby's loyal readers said...

Rev Kate: Speaking as a huge fan of this blog would it be possible for your comments to be shorter than Bobby's posts. This really is the Goren blog and not the Rev Blog. I am sorry but some of us have gotten to the point where we count you words and you always out word Bobby himself. It is getting old real fast. Thanks.

8:13 PM  
Blogger Riccie said...

I understand.

8:46 PM  
Anonymous Irene said...

In support of the Right Rev. Dr. Kurs (forgive me if I've gotten your title wrong; I'm just an ignorant Methodist!):

I'm a frequent visitor to your home blog, and it's become apparent that you ought not trouble yourself further throwing your pearls before swine on this one. Those of us who have heard you lecture know the depth of your intellect and the value of your insights. In the future, we'll seek you in your own space.

Blessings to you, dear.

10:06 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

Bobby you wrote this: "Why can't you fight this? What the hell is the matter with you why can't you just snap out of it already??"

As brilliant as you are I know that you understand that with a true schizophrenic that is just not possible and that they have no control over their fragmented perception of reality and their response to the outside world. Meds hopefully will help but they don't always as you also know.

You should praise yourself for how supportive you are of your mom in spite of how these feelings hit you at times. But I hate to see this anger and frustration make your life miserable.

2:38 PM  
Blogger NemesisNicole said...

Bobby, learn to accept reality. I think that's your biggest problem.

And you said I have a hard time with reality! HMFFPH!

9:27 PM  

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