Thursday, April 13, 2006

3 Women- 3 Different Constants- All 3 Shifted

I realized something important recently. Something that I should have gotten a whole lot sooner but didn't. A lot of people are part of my life on a somewhat regular basis but few have been constants. People that I know what to expect from them. My mother is of course one. She is sick but with good days. This kind of situation is just normal to me. Visiting her & having her be pretty sharp if not sluggish, that became normal. On a bad day she might have momentary mental breaks where she'd say something that made little or no sense. The thing is- was that she'd always bounce back & reign herself in.

Eames has been another constant. I know that she's got my back & that no matter how unconventional I may be she has faith in me, in my abilities.

Nicole Wallace has become another constant the past few years. She's a reminder of how people can take a wrong turn & end up in a very bad, twisted place. One that sees little value in human life but places a huge importance on status, money and intellect.

These things, at the end of any day were no-brainers. They were. No matter how messed up "normal" may be, at least it's familiar & there's something to be said for that.

Now, well over the last few months, even the normal things have changed. My mother is rarely lucid now. At least not for long. She's in a constant state of medication roulette. The doses keep changing, the side effects are brutal & the clarity is still lacking.

Eames, it's a bit tough. I know that I'm not conventional and I can come across as someone that has flown by my pants too much to really trust or count on. I know this & agreed with how it must look. Somehow knowing she wrote a letter requesting a new partner, it still stings. I understand her reasons & fears. I also know that she needs to feel safe & like her partner has her back in order to do her job well. In that regard, she briefly wasn't feeling secure in that & so her request was the correct thing to do. But it stings. Even though we are working so well together. Even though the complimentary skills get better each year.

Nicole Wallace. Well, hell even she managed to do the right thing. It still stuns me. It reminds me that there is no blatant good/bad, right/wrong, angelic/evil. Just a ton of varying shades of gray.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

No matter how messed up "normal" may be, at least it's familiar & there's something to be said for that.
Does this ever strike a chord with me! I may have taken the familiarity for granted though-that probably contributed greatly to my divorce. Unconventional partnerships? Now, I could write a book on that. Thanks for posting this. I'm sure many here can relate to it in some way.

9:29 AM  
Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

Bobby - do you have any idea just how strong you are emotionally? After yesterday, I feared you might retreat to "distract and deny" - and here you are bravely trying to integrate. While your three constant women have shifted, I think the way you have put them together has something very important to tell you about the vulnerablity/betrayal theme in your life. All three of these women are vulnerable and each of them models in a different way consquences of vulnerablity. Your Mom, God bless her, has retreated from the reality of her betrayals and you lose a bit more of her each time you see her. Nicole psychologically split from her betrayal. Acting out of what she can't name or face, she leaves a path of destruction and devasation in her wake (I'm still not sure you aren't projecting around her child's death). She betrays others on a continuing basis. And then there is Alex. Vulnerable to your vulnerablity, she requested a new partner - and then withdrew her request. She thought through her feeling and she made a decision to remain vulnerable to you and to TRUST you. That you have a strong and complimentary partnership is the result of that trust and vulnerablility on both your parts. It has its painful places, any worthwhile relationships does.
You get to chose (and I think you have already chosen), Bobby. You can do as you Mom has and let your worst fears overtake you and retreat mentally. You can split as Nicole has and let the pain of your wounds take over your soul. Or you can continue to trust as Alex has. Trust yourself to work through the feelings, integrate the pain and continue to live your life with integrity. Living honestly in the gray is the best any of us can do. Yours is a courageous soul - stay with it!

11:31 AM  
Blogger Virginia Dare said...

Just letting you know I'm still reading.

11:50 AM  
Blogger Nicole Wallace said...

A constant, me of all people...But I guess I am.

It's nice to know that you still recognize that.

And...Constants always have a way of popping up when you least expect them.

5:49 PM  
Blogger NemesisNicole said...

I will never do the right thing, I have my selfish reasons for everyythig I do. So, please, don't tell me you actually believe I could possibly do the right thing because you will be suckered. Then you will become boring to me. And I loathe being bored. If you want to keep my attention, entertain me! Well, I could always disappear into oblivion and remain your "unsolved case"! =)

9:03 PM  
Blogger Jules said...

I'm sure Eames felt it was the right thing to do at the time, and no one regrets it more than her right now. You should take her appology and move on.

Nicole is just straight-ass evil and always will be. There is no redeeming value to someone who kills their own kid. None.

But I'm also glad that you are taking the time to think this through instead of burying yourself back into your work. This will only get better for you if you work on it.

12:10 AM  
Blogger VDOFan said...

Happy Easter Bobby!

At least you can count on 2 people in your life. for the most part. Your mom even if she is lucid at times loves you more than anything in the world., and you know Eames always has your back. She is your best friend.

Focus on the positive instead of the negative. If you only focus on the negative, only the negative will happen. You will then only bring positive in your life. and you certainly need that.

Rely on your instincts and whatever faith you have. and pray some. It won't hurt. and then maybe things will slowly turn around for you.

I wish you well Bobby, and the best.. in everything. I'm always here for whatever you may need.

hugs and God bless and I hope you have a very wonderful and HAPPY EASTER!

hugs Janice

11:01 AM  
Blogger MartyF said...


Well, make up your damn mind(s) you can't do both!

11:43 AM  

I hope that you have a wonderful Easter. :)

2:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bobby, you must be mixed up, or you could never have confused so many homophones - reins/reigns, complimentary/complementary. I usually admire your accuracy.

3:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can live with the misssspellings. After all, I'm really cr@p without my sppelllcheckker. :) Shades of grey...I'm beginning to understand that is exactly what life is...

9:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sweet Bobby, I wish your Precious Mother and you,Love, a peaceful and Happy Easter! xxxxx

10:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bobby you ae so strong emotionally and the way you understand these three women shows what a compassionate caring man you are.
I'm new to your blog and I love it

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