Friday, April 28, 2006

Life Goes Grey

Hey, have you fallen off the shelf?
Can I help you get yourself, back together?
I'm so tired, can I help you save yourself?
Have your friends all changed?
All the people that you thought would be around,
As your light goes grey,
Are you losing all the hope you thought you'd found,
I think we're numb

Hey, have you found somebody new?
Have you found yourself unglued, for the first time in your life?
Can I help you save yourself?

Have your friends all changed?
All the people that you thought would be around,
As your life goes grey,
Are you losing all the hope you thought we'd found,
I think we're numb

And tell me do you feel like dying?
Tell me does it hurt just waking?
Tell me have you lost the reasons you ever wanted to fight?
Has it left you lonely?
Tell me do you pray for morning?
Tell me does it hurt just waking?
Tell me have you lost the reasons you ever wanted to fight?
And you know it's all impossible.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Lend Me Your Might

This all leaves me feeling like nothing is secure. I thought I had things at least somewhat figured out & marginally accepted. I'm single, functioning & stable. I take care of my ill mother. That's how it is end of story. She can't help her condition & I can't fail her in any way.

How I wish it was all so cut & dry. I have to oversee her care but part of me wishes I could just simply never go back. All of this grief & nothing is over. There's no "fixing" her so in some ways the grief is appropriate.

My stability- is a sham. I'm slowly seeing myself as more like her than I care to admit even to myself. People say that I know better or the writing would be on the wall by now if I was going to head down that crazy road. What they don't get is that part of my inner turmoil these last few months is because not only is the writing really there, but I've had a chance to really read it upclose.

It is there & once something, anything stops me in my high strung, functional tracks I'm a goner.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Anger Turned Inside Out

The rage I've felt on & off, I finally get that as well. It's understandable although not exactly justifiable. It all cycles back to the schizophrenia. I know that my mother cannot help how she is or how she was even years ago. She has done her part to try, she really has. She has taken her meds like clockwork for decades, seen shrinks & psychologists weekly. She did everything that she could to try to be ok. I think that's why having her institutionalized was so painful. She wasn't just crazy, dangerous & clueless as to both of those things. Instead she just kept skidding & sliding in slow motion. I could only watch & wonder what comes next- until it was obvious.

There's this part of me that has been kept under wraps in one of the darkest, most far off corners of my heart & it just oozes venom. It's like a slow drip but it's always there. On bad days I feel the rage simmering & I'm afraid it'll come out on the wrong person at the most inappropriate time imaginable. On really bad days I just want to shake her & scream,

"Why can't you fight this? What the hell is the matter with you why can't you just snap out of it already?? Your life & the QUALITY of your life could be very good if only you WANTED it to be!"

I know that it would do not a momentary bit of good. I know it wouldn't. I know that she broke for reasons that she couldn't control & I know that the mental illness has overpowered her & more often than not completely changed her. I know these things in my heart & in the pit of my stomach.

Some days it just doesn't matter how educated I am, I simply feel what I feel.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Darkness In My Veins

I have to drive up to Carmel Ridge this morning. A routine drive on a typical Sunday except that is suddenly feels so inexplicably different. Everything has changed & yet to an outsider it's all the same. Identical to last week yet for me it's entirely different. I've known many people who have cared for & dealt with a terminal parent & they grieve at least a bit in advance. They watch as the condition worsens or stasys in the same precarious place with no hope really in sight. This isn't the same. My mother's physical health is actually pretty good. Sure there's a few problems but I think that is to be expected when you're in your 70's.
I've been grieving someone that is physically ok & that could last another 10 years.

I've let go of people in the past that were just not good for me. People that bring out the worst in me or are too high maintanence in a really unhealthy way. That's always a clean break. I hate chaos.

This, again, it's different. Grieving someone that is still alive & physically healthy. Someone that I have to let go of but cannot make a clean break from. Where does this leave me? Am I heartless for trying to let go? Does that mean I'll be left to care for her in an empty almost clinical way? Everything just feels overwhelmingly wrong.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Room Is Spinning Out of Control

I attempted to sleep somewhat early last night. Things just felt unsettled and I tossed and turned a lot. I felt- different but I wasn't sure why. This morning I get it. I feel as though I opened my eyes to wake and really woke up. All sorts of personal truths sit staring me dead in the face. Like as if someone took me by the hand and said, "Here Bobby, you've done____________ these last few months and this is why. You see it now don't you?"

I do see it as clear as anything else.

I've spent the last several months slowly, very slowly grieving my mother. She still lives, breathes and exists but not as anything like the woman I knew even a year ago. In November I was hopeful that she'd be ok but since then I've slid through so many different phases of grief. I think a few months ago I subconsciously accepted that I've really lost her in most every sense and that left me just devestated. I didn't see it then, I never realized how bad I was or even why until now. Right now. The person that I knew and needed- even though she wasn't as functional as most- still, I needed her, she is gone. Her doctor tried to gently communicate that to me and while I dropped the ball on the outside, he did get thru to my subconscious because I have grieved for months.

She exists and I've grieved as if shes gone. She breathes and I know that part of her stopped, months ago. She's still here and yet somehow I know I'll never really see or spend time with her ever again. My mother for all intents & purposes really is gone & somehow I've managed to see it while remaining outwardly oblivious. I've grieved a slow, lingering death, have come to terms with it and am now left to still care for the person. The parent.

I feel keenly aware of so much more than I did even 24 hours ago. The cloud hasn't lifted and I still feel like I'm laying face down in a mud puddle but I think there's a light to crawl towards.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Fallen.

I feel like I'm laying face down in the dirt and I can't get myself back up. I don't know how to. Maybe I don't even want to.

I'm trapped in the black smog of depression and my emotions are too leveled out to even bother to react. How do I find a reaction? Is this it?

Is this it??

Immobilized by all things negative & I can't even manage to yell or care or even put a voice to how bad this is. Not a sound, not a solitary tear. Just nothing.

I'm not even a shell of a man. Even shell's can crack.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

The Quest for The Truth Is Not for The Fainthearted

I think many of us have an overwhelming, overpowering need to know who we really are. Especially if obvious pieces to the puzzle are missing. Then everything that you do learn, it just fuels the quest to find out more. I don't think that there's even necessarily a thought process to it, you just sort of do it without a moment's thought. I know that's how it has been for me in my life. I need to understand things about myself & after the fact, I realize I've taken odd steps to understand better.

It can be such a devestating, destructive road to travel though. Discovering who you really are and being able to face yourself & your own truths is terrifying. Realizing that you were an abused kid, that you've grown into an abuser yourself...maybe you saw a family member killed and forgot details until adulthood and then the only way to recover was to plow right thru the memories...or what if you reach a point where every single aspect of your adult life- every facet, just everything amounts to one great big lie...or maybe you woke up one day & realized that the mentally ill family member that seems so different from yourself isn't different at all, they're actually an older carbon copy of yourself and it has taken an adult lifetime to be able to stare that reality in the eye...

We need answers but nothing prepares us for the truth that follows.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Emotional Rehab

I never thought of myself as hypersensitive before. I used to believe that I just lived in the moment & often reacted accordingly. I know not everyone does that but I never really thought much of that reality. I thought of it as being more animated- at least sometimes.

An occassionally animated loner.

The incredibly painful truth that I've slowly begun to face is that I am my mother, only in reverse. She retreats inward. I react outwardly. She gets quiet while I overreact. She needs to be brought up & out of basically suicidalness. I need to come down because if I don't I'll self destruct.

One & very much the same.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

3 Women- 3 Different Constants- All 3 Shifted

I realized something important recently. Something that I should have gotten a whole lot sooner but didn't. A lot of people are part of my life on a somewhat regular basis but few have been constants. People that I know what to expect from them. My mother is of course one. She is sick but with good days. This kind of situation is just normal to me. Visiting her & having her be pretty sharp if not sluggish, that became normal. On a bad day she might have momentary mental breaks where she'd say something that made little or no sense. The thing is- was that she'd always bounce back & reign herself in.

Eames has been another constant. I know that she's got my back & that no matter how unconventional I may be she has faith in me, in my abilities.

Nicole Wallace has become another constant the past few years. She's a reminder of how people can take a wrong turn & end up in a very bad, twisted place. One that sees little value in human life but places a huge importance on status, money and intellect.

These things, at the end of any day were no-brainers. They were. No matter how messed up "normal" may be, at least it's familiar & there's something to be said for that.

Now, well over the last few months, even the normal things have changed. My mother is rarely lucid now. At least not for long. She's in a constant state of medication roulette. The doses keep changing, the side effects are brutal & the clarity is still lacking.

Eames, it's a bit tough. I know that I'm not conventional and I can come across as someone that has flown by my pants too much to really trust or count on. I know this & agreed with how it must look. Somehow knowing she wrote a letter requesting a new partner, it still stings. I understand her reasons & fears. I also know that she needs to feel safe & like her partner has her back in order to do her job well. In that regard, she briefly wasn't feeling secure in that & so her request was the correct thing to do. But it stings. Even though we are working so well together. Even though the complimentary skills get better each year.

Nicole Wallace. Well, hell even she managed to do the right thing. It still stuns me. It reminds me that there is no blatant good/bad, right/wrong, angelic/evil. Just a ton of varying shades of gray.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Have You No Shame- Don't You See Me?

Did you ever allow someone to get to know you, the real you, only to realize that it was a colassal mistake? Did you ever start to piece together a friendship built completely on trust and honesty only to discover that it was a sham from the get-go, unbeknownst to you? Have you ever trusted someone with absolutely everything only to find yourself betrayed to the core?

So here I sit, wondering how this has happened. How could I have let anyone get close enough to hurt me this much. Especially when I thought I've been more guarded than ever before. I've been fucked with so much in the last year that I was sure, I knew that my instincts could not, would not fail me now. Don't you see? I'm supposed to be smarter now. I've been through so much crap, so many mind games that I'm supposed to see a game 10,000 feet away. No one could screw with my brain now- or so I thought.

Instead my mind has been messed with for months. This is by someone that I grew to trust while dealing with everyday life. Someone who encouraged me to let my emotions go. They "needed to come out". Eventually I knew, absolutely knew it was safe. Anything, any emotion was safe. I could be real and it was ok. I didn't need to keep the typical walls up. I could answer the phone and breathe a sigh of relief when I heard a particular voice because I didn't need to fake my way thru another conversation. I could just be however I really was and it was ok. Not only was it ok, but I was always left feeling better, stronger and very fortunate to have such a good person listening. Such a kind, gracious person that I would have done absolutely anything for.

What a gullible asshole I am. I'm sick thinking about it.

Trust. Faith in anyone. Both of these are shot. I trust no one, nor do I care to. It has only led to my deep freeze of late. I used to put others first but obviously that has been a mistake. Just a week ago I told this person that I never questioned what they told me & that I always believed that they were honest with me. Always. "Trusted beyond compare" I think was my exact phrasing. Good God I'm better off alone. I've been in avoid people mode most of my life and it really is turning out to be better that way. Maybe superficiality is underrated. Maybe it does have its high points.

The worst thing is realizing, truly understanding just how unimportant and disposable I have been. Wouldn't you think after months of connecting and long conversations, don't you think that person would matter? Don't your friends matter to you? I know mine do. This particular person keeps lying, in order to save their own sorry ass. Poof. I no longer mattered in the least. The SUPPOSED emotional connection became invisible, as if it never existed. I spent months handing myself to someone that in one instant declared me nonexistent. Or worse yet, just a small detail, a wrinkle in their otherwise wonderful life. Certainly not the priority that I was made to feel I had become.

My eyes give everything, every emotion that I have away. It has always been that way. I don't need to speak really. My eyes tell all. So how can someone look into my eyes and bold face lie? Lie and see me in return looking back with full implicit trust. How does anyone do that to someone that they care about? I know we all hurt each other but why do it intentionally? Why say something dishonest, especially something that really matters.

I've always been a loner and so letting people closer, this was new to me. I've found comfort in the good feelings. Because in spite of all the garbage, I've still been able to see and appreciate the good. Now what? What do you do when you realize that a good chunk of the good was fake? A person that you saw as proof that good people still exist has turned out to be worse than you ever imagined possible.

What do you do when you have to accept that someone that you knew would never speak badly of you has done just that while playing hot potato with your heart and soul?

I don't let many people in. Not many get really close to me, the real me anyway. What I've learned this past week is that my protective walls need to be much higher because something really big got by me this time.

Monday, April 10, 2006

I Know, Really I Do

I know that it's not a blame thing. I know that I cannot control the devious acts of others. If someone wants to do harm or if they are hell-bent on accomplishing something (even if it's negative) they'll likely do it. None of us can control the actions of others & no one has the advance hindsight to see things coming in order to make a pre-emptive strike.

I just wish.

Seeing my mother victimized just kind of damaged me. Neither of us has been the same since. I'm used to just kind of living in the moment, sort of just reacting to the things around me.

That's who I am. Or at least it's who I was.

Now, I'm just kind of here. A watered down, zoned out variation that I'm not liking so much. I know that I've needed some help before I really lost it. I feared one of those instant reactions being a little bit too big. I feared hurting someone because of all the pent up- rage that I've been carrying.

Now I'm here. Along for the ride without much to give or so it feels. The energy that propelled me & fueled my days has been replaced with a series of delayed reactions.

Maybe the mood swings & manic behavior was better than this. At least I was living in the moment & being unpredictable gave me an edge on the job.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Frozen

I've noticed a definite change in myself since, oh, maybe November. I think back then I was reacting & at times over reacting to everything around me. When the excop got in to Carmel Ridge to see my mother- something just changed then. I hung up the phone after being alerted to the situation & I was not the same person. It was as if the ground shifted & I was left grasping for footing. Only the sudden movement was actually in my head. I've lost my cool at work before, I've gone to bat for the most heinious of perps because somewhere, somehow they struck a chord with me. I've rhumba'd my way around the interrogation room with a man nearly my size and I've crossed the line (table) on more than one occassion to sit beside someone that I'm supposedly nothing like. So many situations where I've just sort of seized the moment & trusted my instincts (or flew by my ass depending...).

Those instincts told me that as much as I hate having my mother locked in a safe place, it is indeed a safe place for her. The things on the outside that trigger her so much & make it impossible for her to actually live out here, they can't get to her. It was the trade off for having her there- the piece of mind that came from knowing that no one could intentionally set out to harm her. She was protected & shielded from that.

Except for that one lousy day when that lousy excuse for a human being walked into that hospital. He knew that speaking to her, asking questions of an old woman that is too fragile to live in the real world as we know it, he knew that it would harm her. Break her a little bit more. I never saw that happening. In spite of what I see everyday on the job I never really believed that someone would aim so low. Tormenting an unstable old woman, I guess I'd have thought that she would be off limits even to someone missing a portion of their conscience.

That day I lost something. Part of my own mind I think. Someone saw her as a target & it was simply to get back at me. My doing my job cost her one more tiny piece of herself. She slipped a bit further away then & to be honest she has yet to really come back to where she was. I've felt responsible for every step backwards, every break & every setback that she has suffered since. At first I was ballistic & that got me nowhere. Reacting didn't help or change anything. The mood swings weren't just wicked, they were dangerous. I had to force myself to keep in control until it became easier. Now I feel precious little, overachiever that I am.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

I'm Not Gonna Crack

I'm so happy 'cause today i found my friends
They're in my head
I'm so ugly
That's okay 'cause so are you
We've broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all i care
And i'm not scared
Light my candles in a daze
'Cause i found God

Friday, April 07, 2006

Breakable Thread

Yeah I have been a bit more melancholy. I've hit a rough patch of sorts I guess. My reactions to things just seem off, even to me. I'm working on it. No maybe I'm just riding it out. That seems more like it. I feel far more fragile than I look & I know that I'm much more durable than I feel.

I've clocked many hours at Carmel Ridge lately & that hasn't helped me. I have to do what I have to do there to ensure my mothers' care but... when I leave the building & drive off the grounds a chill just sets in. Somewhere in my mind I'm always dreading ending up there myself. I drive away fearing that someday I won't be as lucky.

Someday I'll be stuck on the inside peering out.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

It's Hard

To visit my mother one day & see that she is well only to get a phone call alerting me otherwise the next day.

To listen as someone that I have know forever begins to tell me a story full of certainty and conviction while I know the truth- it's built on delusions.

To see the speeding train of mental illness & not be able to slow it ever so slightly.

To watch as a person that you love breaks apart and it's harder yet to find patience as a treatment team tries to slowly put the pieces back into place.

To stay on this merry-go-round and still function.

To NOT let these worries, fears & thoughts consume me.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I Haven't Run- Yet Anyway

Just busy with work & all sorts of other intrusions. Only wishing I was bored at this point. I keep dozing off only to wake a few minutes later mid-panic attack.

Not sure what that's all about.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Internal Rain

Yeah, it has been a few days. I don't really know what to say or even how to say it. I have no formed thoughts & no idea why I even opened up the entry box & started to type.

The last few days have been somewhat unbearable. Nothing is obviously out of place. I still get up at the same time each morning, still grab my coffee from the same vendor while walking the last block to 1PP. I'm still working long hours & I still come home to the same apartment swearing that this will be the night that I actually clean it up. Routine. Familiar. Unremarkable. that should actually make for a fairly calm week.

Instead I feel like everything inside has just crashed. It's all familar & yet nothing feels comfortable. Something is different in spite of appearances.

Just Wow.

Yes I did need a laugh & thanks to the anono-emailer that sent me this. So unbelievably bad but with such stoned conviction, you have to listen. Download HERE.