Saturday, March 25, 2006

Words Yet To Be Spoken

I know that it seems crazy insane for me to EVER see my mother and Nicole Wallace in one another. I do realize how, oh, probably evil it sounds on my part to even think such a thing. The correlation comes from The Nicole File. There is a wealth of information within those pages that has yet to even be discussed. Things that seem unnecessary and irrelevant to the case. Things that just further define who Nicole is- her mentality, her pathology. It's no secret that I've been over and over it all a multitude of times. Partly because that's what a profiler does and partly to try and anticipate the next move. Then, a good deal of time has been spent just lost in the details, understanding a little too well what she has been through. It's not just that I can visualize it but that I've watched similar things happen to my mother.

See, this is really one of those blatantly frightening moments where, yes- I DO identify with a perp and I sort of understand some of the downward spiral. I understand her and get her better than I would most other women.

When Nicole spun her tale about not being able to conceive while married to Gavin, it was the truth. She knew that I'd dig up her medical history at least in part anyway. She knew I would find enough to piece things together. When her daughter was nearly 2 she was diagnosed with a gynecological cancer- something curable in the long run that likely was the gradual result of "misspent youth". The treatment would be successful but draining on her. She would have been weaker physically and just taking care of normal everyday things- like her daughter had to have been very hard. She had a boyfriend back then but we've never found his real name. If he used an alias in the first place then he probably wasn't the best guy around. We also know the kind of people that Nicole attracts. Her daughters death was during her treatment time. That only helps to feed my belief that she didn't kill her, but a fed up, put-upon, raging boyfriend did and Nicole was too drained to stop him. She knew no one would believe her so she had to bury her child and of course figured out the best spot in the country to do so.

She knows my mothers' history. I'm sure she managed to pull her medical records and identified with what this complete stranger went through. Dan Croyden was such an easy mark. Maybe he wasn't violent but he was completely self-absorbed before walking out on his cancer-stricken wife and young kids. Killing him, that was probably almost too easy for Nicole. She saw the man that bailed out on her in this guy and no doubt she thought she was doing his now ex-wife a favor. The fact that she could toss him my way- well that was just an extra bonus for her. She knew I'd look at this guy's history and see my father. Then I'd listen to his pompous arrogance and hear my father. It was brilliant on her part to kill so many birds with one stone.

A stroke of genius really.

I'm not sure why Nicole hooked up with Evan Chappel. Maybe it was a fluke, maybe she was obituary surfing and saw that he was newly widowed with a young daughter. I do believe that once she was confronted with the truth about her daughter (when I say truth, I mean someone knew the child existed & then died) I don't think that she could just stuff it all down again. It was too much and even one single other person knowing, well, that made it suddenly very real. Gwen was maybe a little older than her own child would have been and she knew that this was likely her last crack at some sort of motherhood. The fact that Gwen was at risk for gynecological cancer once she hit puberty, that made Nicole even more protective of her. In her mind it was making up for what she couldn't prevent years earlier. She had every intention of being in this child's life. Probably in part because she knew firsthand the tough road ahead of Gwen in a few years.

These are some of the things that spin in my head all at once. All of the similarities- my mother's illness, Nicole's illness, neither could protect their children. My father, Nicole's boyfriend, Dan Croyden- they're all pretty much the same despicable man but presented a bit differently on the outside. I watched my mother struggle to get well while her supposed biggest supporter was only dead weight. I can imagine Nicole in that same situation.

It doesn't change things, not ultimately. She killed several people before having a child & she has killed several since. Nothing cancels out the damage that has already been done. It does make me see her as a person though, someone that has been through hell herself & not only by her own misdeeds.

Serial killer. A nice, neat label. Beneath it always lies a complicated, painful mess.


Blogger NemesisNicole said...

I come back from vacation and you are still wigging out! Stop it!

1:30 AM  
Blogger ann said...

I think you've pretty well summed up how I put it in a recent comment. How can anyone judge when we don't know what goes on in someone else's life.

Not that Nicole can be exonerated for her crimes and not that abuse is an excuse for such behaviour.

Some victims of abuse go on to do good deeds to ease the suffering of others and turn their lives around.

Goodness Bobby, you've been through hell and back and whatever demons you may carry, you have done something worthy with your life, something to be proud of and not used your childhood as an excuse to be bad.

have a good Sunday Bobby

lotsa luv ann xxxxx

4:48 AM  
Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

You have been working very hard with this, Bobby . . . keep going. You can see the parallels between Nicole's life and your mother's life, particularly in their history with men and their inability to protect their children. Might there be more here? Yes, you do identify with Nicole - your history reconizes hers and I know it frightens you - and you also can claim the different choices you have made and accept that there are consequences for them, as there are for Nicole's. When you identify with Nicole as an adult, what else about it is frightening? What does the child inside you who experienced the abuse feel? Stay with it - it's painful and scary, but I think the feeling memory will lead you out of the confusion you have been experiencing of late. Prayers for courage coming your way.

6:04 AM  
Blogger jen said...

I KNEW she had a heart undernearth all that violence and scheming and that there was a reason (albeit twisted and antisocial) for all that she did. And I also knew you'd be the one to unearth it, the only would who ever could see her for what she is and take the time to look. I wish you could save her. I wish you could save each other. Is it wrong that I'm glad you've found your soulmate, even if it's destined not to be a happily ever after situation? That I think finding the one person you really understand, who looks back and sees you for who and what you are deep down to your very essence, is nothing short of a miracle?

6:37 AM  
Blogger VDOFan said...

I wish you could help her out.. she should pay for her crimes, But maybe not behind bars, maybe there is a way for her. and yes, maybe you two can save each other. You both have been thru so much and you both understand each other sooo well. She may need you and I think she is trying to become the better person for you.

Some abused children don't know how to handle and they turn to murder, and some do good and help the lives of others.. it's all according of how they are able to live with and deal with.

I know Nicole has a heart, and is trying very hard for her to become normal.. but she needs a little help. and I hope she can get it.

hugs Janice

11:22 AM  
Blogger Gracie said...

I'm sorry Bobby, as much as I admire you and respect you I just can't see Nicole as a person. I wish I could.

10:34 PM  
Blogger Nicole Wallace said...

well....I'm glad you understand words still don't do me justice.

10:06 PM  
Blogger Julie said...

Of course it's a complicated, painful mess. Serial killers aren't girlscouts, with mommies and daddies that gave a damn. What did you say once, so well: "bad guys do what good guys dream?" Your inability to let Nicole go is because you identify with her. Why? You see how you could be just like her, if you had that *one* scale-tipping moment. Your endless pursuit of Nicole Wallace is your pursuit of your own potential wickedness. Just like your endless pursuit of all evil.

She told you that, didn't she?

12:47 AM  
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10:29 PM  

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