Thursday, March 02, 2006

Shut Out or Shut Down

I'm not sure what exactly happened today. Either I shut people out until I realized I was pretty much alone and then shut down or else I felt repeatedly shut out until shutting down felt like a good escape.

Either way, the day was a series of dead ends, wasted hours and now Eames and I are left with more confusion than we started with this morning. That aside I'm a breathing paradox tonight. Every sentence that I type I can completely contradict before the next line. I need to sleep but I can't. I need a break but my mind is racing. I try to focus and find myself floating from one topic to another.

Glad I'm alone but wishing I wasn't. Completely enraged but once I realize that it switches to fear. I need to lay down but my head pounds even worse if I rest it on a pillow.

Complete. Fucking. Mess. Of. A Somewhat. Human. Being.

11 Comments:

Blogger Gem said...

I love you.

11:00 PM  
Blogger Selena Marie said...

My Darling Robert, What you need is a loving,understanding,caring,mature woman who would always be there for you !! It's horrible being all alone, and after a while, your mind starts playing "tricks" on you. I don't think we were put on this Earth to be totally alone! You need a woman who would Tell, and Show You,My Love,how Important and Special you really are. I would gladly be that Woman!!

11:05 PM  
Anonymous bj said...

I've been there too many times myself Bobby. Please try your best to get some much needed sleep. I'm sure your mind will emerge much clearer once you get some rest. I'm certainly not the only one thinking of you, sending thoughts of love and support. So many are here for you! Take care!

11:26 PM  
Blogger Axe said...

I'll say it again...get laid!

3:21 AM  
Blogger mrsbg said...

axe: he does!!!!!

selena marie: he has!!!!! moi

Bobby, stop it, please. You are far from a mess. Stop putting yourself down. There's nothing wrong with you... you have the same doubts and flaws as all of us... Let me stroke your temples; that usually helps.

mwahx mwahx mwahx

5:35 AM  
Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

Please cut yourself a break . . . Why are you pushing yourself so hard? Can you define yourself as "human" "being" and stop beating yourself with the other adjectives - for just a few minutes? I know you are finding it hard to live with yourself, but try excercising a little bit of the compassion you have for others on yourself. You deserve it too!
Kate+

5:59 AM  
Blogger valentino said...

on bad days try to focus on something beautiful, something simple. A sunset, a shoreline, the stars in the sky. Try listening to a cd of the ocean, the forest, birds...xxx

6:50 AM  
Blogger VDOFan said...

You need a good woman my dear.. not just to have sex with either.. :) and I agree with Axe, you do need to get laid, it might help you focus clearer.. on things..

You are far from a mess.. We love you no matter what and any way that you are.

hugs Janice

7:06 AM  
Blogger kacey said...

more and more, you sound like me.

Wanting to do everything and nothing, needing company yet pushing it away.
Wishing you could take away the problems of those you care for, but knowing it isn't possible.

I wish I could say something more to you than "I understand".

10:07 AM  
Blogger jen said...

once again, you have inspired me to do my own moral inventory. I don't like what I saw, either.
but I kind of agree with everyone else and think we ALL just need to get a little, might take the edge off our current moods.

10:55 AM  
Blogger Riccie said...

Gee Bobby, even when your not in the best of moods and sex is mentioned on your blog...I start feeling like a teenager. Totally inappropriate comment to your post, I know...but I'm easily distractable these days.

7:45 PM  

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