Friday, March 03, 2006

"She's A Lot like You"

I got a call from my mother's doctor at 6am. She isn't doing well at all. They aren't sure why but she had some sort of "break" during the night. They sedated her & she'll be down for the day. I'm going to have to take a drive up after work. The doctor said that she has seemed more agitated in the last two days then they've seen her in months.

I know what triggered it. The boy she read about the other day. I was so worried that this could happen. I know that she needs to get things out but I never know how much is too much. If i know she's struggling I'm careful about what I'll even bring her to read. I know she gets stuff from others so I can't keep every trigger away from her, but I try. This time, I knew... I knew there was a small chance but I just let it go. She has been okay & I thought she could handle it. I should have known better I just should have.

When she brought it up the other night I hoped that letting her talk & get it out would help, somehow prevent, something. Instead I handed her Pandora's Box & held the lid open for her. Now she's in a bed being pumped full of drugs.

Completely my fault. I have two things in this world that I need to do, go to work & keep my mother as ok & balanced as possible. This week I'm failing at both.

Her doctor made some comment about her coming out of this & he chased it with, "She's a lot like you.". Could anything scare me more?


Blogger Unrequited said...

My dear Robert,
My heart aches for you. I know only to well the fear that lives inside you.

I know too that all the well meaning intentions of others can sometimes make you feel all the more isolated and alone. As if a happy thought is all it takes to erase years of believing that you're not good enough, capable enough, derserving enough of happiness.

But remember, as I know you do, that they are well intentioned. People care about you.

Please know (even if it's oh so hard to embrace) that the way you feel, those frightful thoughts and beliefs about yourself are overwhelming you now. That they may be true or not but either way it doesn't make the good you do false. The good you are false.

You are a good man. An intelligent man, an empathic man. That is every bit as true as the troubled man that you are now.

Paradox - yes. Both true - yes. It's so easy to let the dark parts of our mind take over the light.

But the light is there. It's good and it's TRUE.

Endure and keep yourself safe for happier days.

All my love. I wish I could be there for you. I'm carrying you in my heart. Your goodness and your darkness.

10:20 AM  
Blogger ann said...

.... and would it be so terrible if she is a lot like you? I don't think so. Bobby, it's usually the other way round... children taking after their parents. Your mother has been cursed with an insidious illness, but when she wasn't sick, she was a remarkable woman and mother and if you're like her, then that's a blessing.

If an episode is gonna happen, there is nothing you can do to stop it. We can't protect our loved ones from these *triggers* they are out of our control.

You have all my sympathy... I fully understand

lotsa luv ann xxxx

10:34 AM  
Blogger VDOFan said...

There's nothing wrong with being alot like you. and you alot like her.. You both are truly beautiful people plagued with alot of problems. In my eyes, you are fine the way you are as well as you're mom.

And don't blame yourself for what happened. It is NOT YOUR FAULT. You thought what you did was right at the time and that's what matters. You're not psychic or anything like that Bobby how can you know, or prevent these things from happening?

No matter how well you know a person a mental break is gonna happen sooner or later, there isn't a damn thing anyone can do about it, it just happens.

I hope that you will have a nice weekend, and try not to be so hard on yourself.

hugs Janice

11:27 AM  
Blogger kathryn said...

Bobby, I lost my dear mother to Alzheimer's many years ago. Long after she had lost the ability to communicate, she looked at me and said sternly, "You are a fool!" Even though she 'lived' several more years, those were the last words she spoke to me.
When she was herself, she was kind, compassionate, honest, supportive, loving, a very intelligent woman, very involved with her family and church. Most of the qualities about myself that I actually like came from her, the lessons she taught me, the life she lived.
When she was able, she did her best. And I will continue to aspire to be more like her.
But she could not help descending into that disease, and I could not protect her from it.
Do I fear suffering the same fate? God, yes. But fear won't change the future, regret won't change the past.
You do the best you can for your mother. She deserves your best. But you can't protect her completely, any more than she could protect you and your brother completely.
You do your best. That's all you can do. And you love her. And when she breaks and runs for cover, you're there when she comes back.

11:28 AM  
Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

"She's alot like you". . . and isn't your fear that you are alot like her the driving fear beyond all the others you are wrestling with? The fear that you will lose yourself to the illness that takes your mother from you must be an awful one to live with. But it just that, Bobby, a fear. While it may have some foundation in the rational, the fear itself is still irrational and none of us have good control over the irrational. But let your intellect help you here. There are only so many things in the world that are wtihin your control - what your mother reads and hears about is not going to be something you can manage completely. You are only human and despite your best intentions, you will remain so. Forgive yourself and trust the love and care others have for you (and your Mom) right now. And while you live with the pain and anger and fear, work with some of the things you can control . . . eat well, drink lots of water, take a walk or a yoga class. Work out. SLEEP! Responsible self-care can go a long way to giving you what you need to cope with the stresses you feel right now. And keep talking - you aren't alone.

11:31 AM  
Blogger bogusboobs said...

I think you should pay Eliza a visit. Maybe you'll be inspired to visit an old friend or two, and to connect with something a bit less painful. A welcome diversion, perhaps ...

Maybe I've missed it over the last couple of posts, but I'm sure it has occurred to you that some of what your Mom is dealing with is guilt. Not that she IS guilty, just the knowledge that she was too sick herself, too physically small, or just without the means to protect her children. Her boys.

That's a weight I don't think any "sane" woman could bear ...

3:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As much as I like to think of you as the 'Great Robert Goren', you cannot control the universe no matter how hard you try. Your mother's illnes is not your fault, and you already do everything you can to help. The guilt you insist on carrying does not belong on your shoulders.

7:50 PM  
Blogger madi said...

Bobby, nothing I say won't stop you being so hard on yourself.

1:04 PM  

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