Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Rewind. Rewatch. Reconsider.

I stayed late last night. I went into an empty office and reviewed some of Nicole's interrogation footage. I've watched it all more times than you can imagine, memorizing every gesture, every intonation in her voice trying to get a grasp on her weak spots. Not the likely ones but the real ones that only show when you take the time to review a tape. The things that a single eye blink can cause you to miss when sitting face to face. So last night I really had an overpowering need to watch her again when confronted about her daughter. She didn't play the part of grieving mother, looking for sympathy. She didn't work to cover her ass very hard & she was not thinking on her feet, not for Nicole anyway. I mean somewhere in the back of her head she had to have prepared for what she would say should this ever hit the light of day. That's what killers do, they concoct stories. That's what she does. But this, it was different. The pure rage in her eyes when I accused her of killing her daughter, the way she shrieked at me like an animal. That wasn't guilt talking, not murderous guilt anyway. She was appalled & outraged to be accused of such a thing and while watching her, none of her usual telltale ticks were there. She didn't kill her child. She knows who did & likely couldn't stop them. I think that guilt crushes her. Just the way she told me to stop talking about her, the way she insisted on it- I was touching something sacred to her, something far too painful for her to handle if her attorney hadn't walked in.

Abused kids, well we do one of two things as adults- we either continue the cycle or become extremely protective of children in general. Even Nicole can fall into that protector category. Killing may come easy but every murderer has some invisible line that for whatever reason, they just won't cross. Children are hers. I'm sure of it. That is why she did the right thing with Gwen & protected her. In her own mind, she has to. To correct what happened to her & to make up for not saving her own child. She tried to tell me about Gwen & then stopped realizing that I needed to figure it out for myself. This, this tragedy with her daughter is the same. I wouldn't believe it any other way. And really, who would? That's why she drove a few hundred miles & buried her. Who could she tell? no one would believe that someone who has done time for killing in the past would make an exception and NOT kill their now dead child. It looks like a no brainer. I'm sure no one else gave it a moments thought. I know when I first saw the report & even for months afterwards I didn't even toy with the notion that she didn't do it. Of course she did. It was brushed off as just another body to dispose of.

Now, it's different. Now I see it very clearly. Last night I saw it for myself in her demeanor, the way she carried herself. Now I'm sure.

9 Comments:

Blogger VDOFan said...

Ahh.. you are not like Nicole, in anyway shape or form Bobby, please don't compare yourself to her. I don't believe she killed her child. But Bernard did teach her how to kill, and I believe she killed a few, not as many as some would like to believe though. People are hard to trust, and they are very judgemental. They are going to believe what they want, you cannot change their mind.

I do believe what Carolyn says. Even the worse sinners, deserves our compassion and forgiveness and that includes Nicole. She deserves a 2nd chance at life as everyone else, and a chance to pay for her mistkaes, without dying for them. She deserves to have a life without looking over her shoulders every time.

Yes, she made not so great choices.. and I've been thru alot myself, but I could never kill someone or hurt someone physically. She may have had no choice but when we go thru life we learn that their are consequences for our actions. If Nicole, doesn't pay for the consequences for her actions, she will never lead a happy normal life.

No matter how much you want her to.

hugs Janice

4:38 PM  
Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

There is a place in even the worst of us that is worth redeeming. You have struggled for so long to find it in her. So now that you have found it, can you live with it? And does it help you find a way toward your own?
Kate+

5:19 PM  
Blogger DebWalsh said...

Forgiveness is a strange thing and sometimes it is harder to forgive ones self than it is to forgive others. Sometimes it isn't a lack of forgiveness just to close to the issue at hand to want to connect with it.

So if what you are saying is true and Nicole didn't kill her child and she knows who did...She may still blame herself for the child's death as much as if she murdered her, herself. That may end up being harder for her than if she was a stone killer and killed the child herself.
:)

6:50 PM  
Blogger ann said...

So, you believe she didn't do that one. I'll take your word for it. I have never been privy to those interviews. Bobby, that doesn't preclude the other killings. She has murdered innocent people in cold blood and you're giving her brownie points because you feel sorry for her. You feel guilty that you believed her capable of killing her own child.

Yes, she deserves the same sympathy afforded anyone who has lost their child, but Bobby that does not excuse the other.

lotsa luv ann xxxxx

7:51 PM  
Blogger Virginia Dare said...

What now?

9:02 PM  
Blogger leah said...

I hope you're right. But for the record, Ella was only 19 - that's still a child in my book. Do you have any reason to believe that her death may not be what we think it was?

9:47 PM  
Anonymous caseyswife said...

Bobby -
While I can understand your need to find something - ANYTHING - redeemable about Nicole, I don't think it is very healthy for you. Does this excuse the murders she has committed? Does it excuse the pain she has caused you? Is that what you are trying to accomplish -a reasonable excuse to feel how you do about her?
Nicole is not sick, like your Mother. She is not an addict like your Father and Brother. She was an innocent victim - like you - as a child, but she is not now. Now she is a perpetrator and a user - and she is evil. The only way she can truly redeem herself is to take responsibility for the crimes she has committed and be punished for them.
If finding out the truth about her daughters death helps you deal with your own problems, then I am all for it. But don't look for excuses for this woman - YOU KNOW HER - it will come back to haunt you.

Yours, Lisa

11:44 PM  
Blogger MartyF said...

Manon, Bobby,

What now? Perhaps we should take a gander at what the kid's father, one Rowan Bartlett I think his name is, is doing now....

11:34 AM  
Blogger Nicole Wallace said...

Well, seeing clearly takes time Bobby.

You know that, darling.

10:40 PM  

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