Thursday, March 16, 2006

My Whole Existence Is Flawed

Nicole will haunt me for the rest of my life, that much I've already accepted. It doesn't matter where I am, what I'm doing or who I may be with. She's going to come back a zillion times over. The connection between her and my mother is that neither of them were able to protect their kids. I believe both wanted to, but ultimately it was impossible. I don't know exactly what happened with Nicole but my mom, she was too focused on trying to stay focused. She had to put so much energy into trying to keep things together that situations right in front of her were often unoticed.

I also know what it feels like to have slipped thru the cracks growing up. Something is obviously wrong, someone is hurting you & yet no one notices. Your own mother, for whatever reason doesn't put a stop to it and anyone on the outside with even an incling just turns their head.

When I decided to confront Nicole about her father's abuse, even the very first time, I knew that I might be getting in over my head. The fact that she never threw those questions right back at me is amazing. She knows, just as I know with her. She knows that there was too much emotion fueling my words, too much personal understanding. She just, for whatever reason chose not to fire back at me.

Maybe that in itself was a "singular touch of grace."

16 Comments:

Blogger VDOFan said...

Well you have accepted that Nicole will always haunt you. But how about accepting of what it is that you really feel for her? and work on that.

Hugs Janice

Have a wonderful day, Bobby!

12:31 PM  
Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

Oh Bobby - flawed existence is the human condition! We all share in it and we all are given moments of grace. You have a fascinating and gifted mind that is working very hard to unravel all of this. Questions: Exactly what in Nicole is haunting you? Do Nicole and your Mom share something besides not being able to protect their children? Can you re-vistit the dream you had the other night? Nicole and your Mom merged into the same person and you could neither speak nor act . . . How old were you in the dream? You sound less depressed and more angry today - thanks be to God! Stay with the feelings - facing your anger just might be where your next experience grace comes from. . .
You (and Nicole and your Mom) are in my prayers.
Kate+

12:34 PM  
Blogger VDOFan said...

I love the song that bears this title.. that is part of the verses in this particular son g from NIN:)

Have I told you lately, that YOU ARE DA MAN! :)

hugs janice

1:01 PM  
Blogger bogusboobs said...

I'm not convinced that it's your existence which is flawed, dear. I think that may be just another myth that the clerics tried to sell us as a means to keep us on the straight and narrow in this life (or else we'd face certain judgment in the next plane).

Instead, I think your focus has turned more toward your thought process, where it most probably belongs. Maybe in the end you'll just need to embrace your inner freak, forgive yourself and move on. Aren't our most beloved heroes always men of action ... ??

1:35 PM  
Blogger Nomi said...

Everyone has something or someone that they are haunted by. Something that they can never be rid of.
Flawed existence? Maybe. But who is perfect, anyway? We all have our imperfections to deal with. Life is never perfect. All it means is that you are as human as the rest of us.

4:50 PM  
Blogger aboutnici said...

I'm soory that Nicole will haunted you for the rest of your life, beacuse of your feelings for her!

Also I agree with Kate, that you, Nicole , and your mother are in my prayers too!

5:13 PM  
Blogger DNY LOVES CRIMINAL MINDS said...

I think they are both fragile in their own way and you relate to them. I hope that whatever you are feeling stops haunting you and that you can find peace again. :)

5:24 PM  
Blogger Virginia Dare said...

So in some other life it'd be a house and kids? Eeek, I can't believe anyone choses to live that way...just remember its down the road not across the street with that razor.

8:40 PM  
Blogger Virginia Dare said...

I'm sure I'm sorry.

8:41 PM  
Blogger kathryn said...

Thank you for spelling out the connection you are seeing between Nicole and your mother. I never would have figured it out.
Nicole may not have fired back at you about your father, but she tormented you about your mother. Surely your father is the less painful target?
She's a criminal, Bobby. They all have a story. Why does this one fascinate you so much?

9:58 PM  
Blogger Nicole Wallace said...

Because there is not much point in rubbing salt in an open wound that I myself share.

Call it grace. Call it mercy.

Just don't forget it.

10:42 PM  
Blogger MartyF said...

Bobby,

May I suggest a revolutionary idea...ask her?

11:21 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

Awww. I'm sorry for what you go through Bobby. :^(

6:25 PM  
Blogger dinaeve said...

Bobby,honey,tell Nicole how you really feel about her,then let nature take it's course. xoxoxo

1:15 AM  
Blogger DebWalsh said...

Your existance isn't flawed anymore than anyone elses. We all have problems Bobby some worse than others. But I think you life up until now has made you a very sensitive human being. You are much stronger than you realize. I know it is rough trying to get through all this but I think you will come out just fine no matter what you do.
:)

7:58 AM  
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10:26 PM  

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