Monday, March 13, 2006

My Mind's Eye Has Been Busy

A few people have commented about my being quieter than usual. I never really thought of myself as anything but quiet. A loner. Lost in my own head. I guess even for me, I haven't been as fast on my feet or something. I am distracted though, by a lot of things. Don't get me wrong, I AM paying attention to what's going on but I'm running on 2 tracks at once.

My mother is still not entirely back. I visited yesterday and she had a hard time staying awake because of her meds. I'm not sure what is harder, seeing her extremely agitated or zonked out. At least agitated she is capable of feeling something. It finally hit me the other day that I fear things triggering her memory but I think even moreso, I fear her reaction triggering mine.

I've had to question my own selfishness. I don't want her to be upset or to suffer in any way. Her own mental affliction is bad enough on a good day. But when she ventures into those dark spaces, I have to go with her either to take her hand & guide her back out or at the very least, to understand what is happening. Truth be told, I'm terrified of getting stuck there, right beside her. She gets upset about something that my father did 30 years ago & on one side of me I see an old woman with the fear of a child in her eyes. The other side of me stands that same woman, only in her 30's living the scenario while I watch as a fearful child.

Her flashbacks. My flashbacks.

Eventually, I will get stuck. It's destined to happen.


Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

You are already stuck, Bobby. Trauma is the gift that keeps on giving. The best that any of us can do with it is keep reprocessing everytime we run across it again. What you are experiencing is normal for trauma survivors and you must know that. The fact that you are able to go into your mother's pain and relive your own without running from it, acting out because of it or dissociating from it speaks volumes about your mental strength. It's ok to be afraid - welcome to being human. We are all fragile and vulnerable, Bobby and you are doing the best you can. You can't undo what either of you have been through- you can't erase the past or make it anything other than what it was. You have survived it - your love and strength makes it possible for your Mom to survive as well as she does. Find grace and power in that and live your life!
P.S. I hear they have made an arrest in the case of the young woman tortured, taped up and murdered - and isn't Eames back across the desk today?

12:20 PM  
Blogger VDOFan said...

You won't get stuck, if you don't let it happen. and if you find someone to go thru it with. I know it scares you to go thru what she is, but as I said I think you would've by now, and if you push yourself harder and harder you could very well do that.

Maybe one day, she'll overcome all of this and beat the odds. Wouldn't that be nice?

Take care of yourself, Bobby! God bless ya.


1:02 PM  
Anonymous Caseyswife said...

Dearest Bobby -
Please don't worry about getting stuck 'in that place' alone. I (and the family you have here) would come in and get you and lead you back home.

1:21 PM  
Blogger mrsbg said...

"A few people have commented about my being quieter than usual"

Trust me everyone, NOT at home... oh does he like the sound of his own voice... he's always having a go at me about something, hmmm... aren't you sweetheart?

mwahx mwahx mwahx

4:55 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

Hang in there Bobby. :^(

6:04 PM  

Certainly nothing left to be said. :)

6:31 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

You don't have to be stuck. Well, atleast not alone. I happen to think that it would be very fun to get stuck somewhere with a best friend.

Look up Bobby.


6:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your mother has only you for support. You have a tremendous amount of people out here for support. We would not let you get stuck, Bobby. Take care.

9:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What Riccie said...
We won't let you get stuck.


10:25 PM  
Blogger Frances said...

You won't get stuck, my darling, I won't let you.

11:55 PM  

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