Thursday, March 09, 2006

Lost In The Lost.

I feel like I have finally crash landed this week. there is very little doubt in my mind that i am indeed sitting at rock bottom. And rock bottom- it's a really tight fit.

The emptiness remains but the silence isn't quiet as numbing as it was last night. but my week, where has it gone? I'm serious, where did it go? What did I do? I'm sure if pressed I could conjure up a bunch of answers to "What did I do?" but I'm not connected to much of anything. I typed that last sentence & paused to space out for a few minutes. I can't even stay connected to trying to put my thoughts somewhere.

Actually I do remember this afternoon. I was consummed with anger, no- rage. Pure rage. It scared me & I hate admitting that, but it did. I felt capable of really hurting someone just for the sake of hurting someone. A good reason to feel angry was replaced with that actual anger. That's fine, healthy even but it didn't take long to realize that the feelings were far bigger than I.

I felt like I could tear down a building with my bare hands. That kind of anger scares even me.


Blogger DebWalsh said...

Oh Bobby sweety but you see the difference again to you and the criminal element is that it did scare you and you got it under controll. You are a really fine person and I know that you can get through this as you always seem to. You have once again shown that you have the Right Stuff!

10:44 PM  
Blogger kathryn said...

What brought on the anger, Bobby? And did it crowd out a feeling that was even worse for you?

11:57 PM  
Blogger Nomi said...

It's so hard when you hit that kind of rock bottom. I don't know that I can say I've ever been that low before... Actually, yes, I think I can.
There have been times in my life where I've been afraid to look at other people, or speak to them, for fear that I might lash out verbally or even physically. Times when I felt like doing some serious damage, regardless of the consequences.
The kind of pain and misery that leads to those emotions is frightening, and I sympathise and empathise with you in a big way. It's never easy to cope with, and everyone has their own coping mechanisms... but it often helps to talk about it, Bobby, so feel free to email me any time, if you like.
I stand by what I said when I emailed you that one time - the bit about always supporting you? I really did mean that.

11:58 PM  
Blogger Gorengyrl said...

Bobby, I know exactly how you're feeling right now. I've been so pissed off I couldn't see straight. Most of the time it was when I was married. Alot of the time now it's cause of my son, but irregardless. You are a great man and you kept yourself under control, and that a sign of a bigger man. You have a big heart Bobby Goren, and it shows. You're upset right now understandably and your stressed. These things don't go well together. Take some time to yourself Bobby. Okay? I'm really worried about you. :( Take care of yourself.

Hugs, Kara

12:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have no profound comment. But I am listening. Writing is an excellent way to get it out, and we are here...take care.

6:58 AM  
Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

At least you are feeling , , , but what is the anger about? Feelings are what they are - they have no moral quality. What you do with what you feel does have moral quality and as usual, you have what you do under control- because you are, at your core, a moral and ethical human being. I think you are scared for that reason. But as scared as you are, I would ask if the anger you feel now is more comfortable than the sadness and loss you felt yesterday? Are you letting yourself hide in the anger rather than face the pain? Keep talking it out. We're here to listen . . . You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

7:02 AM  
Blogger jen said...

turn your head to the right, Goren, and wave; that's me next to you down there. If I get through the week w/o bursting into tears or flipping out, I will consider it an accomplishment on par with landing on the damn moon.

7:12 AM  
Blogger Axe said...

As you know very well, my darling Bobby, that is a "state" I find myself in far too many times, so I understand your feelings here.

Want a sparring partner? Or any other vent our rage, of course.

9:04 AM  
Blogger Unrequited said...

You are so vunerable right now. Please take care.

10:27 AM  
Blogger Unrequited said...

You are so vunerable right now. Please take care.

10:27 AM  
Blogger Jules said...

I can only make one suggestion....automatic weapon fire can cure things like should try it. If you need something bigger (A1 Abrams, Armored Personell Carrior, ect) I'm sure my buddy Darby in the Cavalry unit can hook you up with something appropriate.

Gunpowder in the morning is like crack cocaine to a soldier....the more you're exposed to it, the more you want it.

I can hook you up. :-)

8:46 PM  
Blogger Virginia Dare said...

Fuck the Doomed....

5:11 PM  
Blogger FreakFeet said...

We've all been there, Bobby dear. The key to climbing out of the pit is to realize that there is someone (or, in your case, a lot of someones) there for you, and lending you a hand. Don't be afraid to reach out and grab ahold.

6:36 PM  

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