Friday, March 03, 2006

The Fear Beneath the Fear

I've been spared the ride upstate until morning. Dr. Scheemo left early & my mom is not going to be awake so there's no point in making the drive. I'll go early tomorrow instead & get there in time for his rounds.

That's the logical rational thing to do. My mother. Some- A lot of times, I'm not sure who the parent even is. she's not really the woman that I remember when I think back to the good memories so sometimes it's hard to connect her in that way. When she is lucid & doing well, she treats me like an equal. During the rough patches & especially when she's eased out of being heavily medicated she's like a child. Totally confused, doesn't really recognize me or she will, but she'll think I'm 8. I'm like 3 times her size & she'll scold me for something I probably did do at a young age. I choke when that happens because I know she is still mom. The woman that taught me to read and ride my bike. The one who gave a damn about us & sacrificed her own mental health in an attempt to be able to think on her feet. A plan that delayed her own help & may have cost her a productive life in the end.

"She's a lot like you."

Or am I a lot like her, in every sense. That is the thing that terrifies me. I've studied Schizophrenia until my eyes have nearly bled. I know the possibilities. the hereditary lines. the pathology. She wasn't diagnosed until well into her 30's. I know very well that I could be sitting EXACTLY where she sits at some point. I fear it and deny it and resist it and shove it as far away as possible- but I still know. I'm moody & emotional & I refuse to medicate myself just because of those things because- at least I'm feeling something.

But is that what my mother did? Did she just ignore, excuse, whatever until she completely broke?

There's no way of knowing really.

These past 5-6 however many years, I've talked to so many schizophrenics in the line of duty. I try so hard to relate & put them at ease & that almost seems to easy for me. Part of it comes from my own deep-rooted terror. What if I end up totally breaking, stuck pumped full of drugs and maybe on good days getting to breathe fresh air or spend an hour in art therapy. Will anyone take those few minutes with me, to try to get through or to appear to really care.

I fear in the deepest corner of my heart & in the pit of my soul that I'll end up somewhere far worse than Carmel Ridge just completely alone.


Blogger VDOFan said...

I would take those few minutes with you. I wouldn't treat you any differently if you had it Bobby. I treat everyone as I treat my "normal" friends. I don't think there is anything different about us cept we have a disease of the brain. it's just another disease. and you are gonna make yourself break. If you keep being afraid, worried and thinking about all of this stuff. The more you worry the more you will become it. Ok?

I fear about that stuff all of the time.. going into a worse place than where I was. I don't wanna ever go there again. My daughter helps me alot in that area.. and I do too I do take responsibility and do what I need to so I don't go in a worse off place.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.. God bless you and yours..

hugs Janice

6:15 PM  
Blogger kathryn said...

Fear of being alone . . . isn't that what brings each of us back here each day?
My life is less lonely because of you and your little community. You have helped me and I wish I could help you.
We're here, and we care.
Bobby, try not to suffer tomorrow's pain. "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

6:21 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

Oh, I am so sorry for what you are going through with this. I have learned a little more about Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder with this new job I got. It breaks my heart. It is so hard on everyone involved.

6:29 PM  
Blogger ann said...

Oh Bobby, Bobby....

6:54 PM  
Blogger ann said...


6:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would also take a few minutes to talk with you. I don't believe you have it, though, Bobby. You do have legitimate concerns, but you would also know by this point in your life. You are a beautiful person, and one of these days, when you look in the mirror, I hope you see that.

7:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My Love, I will always be thinking of you! xxxxxxxxxxx

9:35 PM  
Blogger leah said...

Moody and emotional - and also brilliant. I think you would know for sure by now if you were schizophrenic.

I think you probably are depressed - the insomnia is one symptom, you've descibed several others. There are medications you could try - although the side effects are sometimes as bad as the depression.

Most of us can relate to having to "parent" our parents - it's something almost everyone of our generation is dealing with. It's really difficult on a daily basis.

9:53 PM  
Blogger Chloe' Gardner said...

I promise you, when I'm able to return to work, I will look after your mother. You know I love her, and will do everything in my power to help her...

As for you, Bobby, you're strong, a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for... and God forbid you do end up somewhere, I'll be there, to help take care of you. You'll never have to be alone...

10:13 PM  
Blogger Nicole Wallace said...

Your fear of being alone...Just stems from her doesn't it?

If it wasn't for watching her slowly suffer, you wouldn't fear it so much...

Of course, it's just a theory...Nevermind the fact I'm right, darling.

12:17 AM  
Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

Of course you are afraid - how can you not be? The love that ties you and your mother together also makes it impossible for you to ignore the fear . . . not an easy place to be. And do you give yourself any credit for having stayed with both the love and the fear when it would be easy to do as your brother has done and just stay away? I agree with the others - I think you would know by now if your mother's fate was to be yours. But the fear of what might happen is crippling you now. The road you walk is dark and difficult and those of us who care can only accompany you so far. At a time when the road in my own life was very dark, a friend who is a Buddhist monk shared this prayer with me - and I pass it on to you:
"If there be light, let me see it.
If there be power, extend it to me.
If there be forgiveness, forgive.
If there be a tomorrow, grant me a hope in it.
And if there be these things, but not for me,
Grant me the wisdom to endure the not having."
My prayer for you, Bobby, is that you find the wisdom to endure - and in that wisdom, find peace.
Blessings to you and your Mom as you face today together.

7:08 AM  

Well there certainly is a lot of support for you in the previous comments. If there is such a think as Karma you would never be alone because you never made others feel alone. All that being said I don't think you have anything to worry about. I think by your age that if symptoms were going to present themselves they would have already. I think what you are feelings is normal under the circumstances with your mom. I think you are going to be fine. I will pray with everyone else for you to regain your inner peace. :)

8:25 AM  
Blogger Pat said...

Mood swings, depression and anxiety are one thing; schizophrenia quite another. There is no way you would be able to function like you do if you had schizophrenia. As you know you are past the age at which the vast majority of folks with schizophrenia present (See getting older does have some benefits). However even with you knowing all these facts (and I'm sure you are better read on the subject then most doctors), it doesn't seem to let you breathe a sigh of relief. I wish it did.

You are brilliant, compassionate and insightful. You would never be alone unless you choose to. I hope someone can help you navigate through all this. I think I speak for the rest of this group when I say you are the best of the best in so many ways. Now you just have to believe that, treat yourself as good as you treat others, and see yourself how the rest of us see you.

10:52 AM  
Blogger Unrequited said...

You're not alone. Not now, not ever.
The more you give of yourself the closer we become. Intertwining until it's impossible to know where each of us begins and ends.

You only have to read the comments to know how deeply you've touched all of us. How deeply we all care.

We are with you, feel us caring, loving you. Rest in us.

11:56 AM  
Blogger madi said...

You're not alone, Bobby, as long as you let us to be there for you. Being affraid is normal and human. Everyone has something to fear. You don't have to carry the weight of the world. Who's charged you with that?

1:11 PM  
Blogger MartyF said...


God almighty, you are asking for it....

2:16 PM  
Blogger VDOFan said...

You know if I was there Bobby, I'd take those few minutes I could get with you and turn them in to a few hours, just so I ccould help you and be there for you as much as I possibly could be that you needed.

Hope you have a nice weekend...

hugs Janice

2:32 PM  
Blogger Jules said...

Wow...I'm not even sure of what to say here. Not sure it would help you to know that I know exactly how you feel in this fear of being alone but...I guess I've made peace with it. Not much fun writhing at the end of you treadmill with a blown hip and hamstring with no one but the dog there to lick your face. If he could have fetched me the phone, I would have felt better about it.

I do hope things go better for you and your mom. And ther's plenty of people here who would be happy to help you talk some of this out.

12:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's Dr. Shimo, not Sheemo. Dr. Shimo as in Dr. Shimotakahara, he's Japanese

4:07 PM  
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10:26 PM  

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