Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Distract. Deny.

Another night put to rest, thank God. The dreams last night- disturbing. Usually I avoid actively persuing sleep. I just try to let it catch me by surprise and I often wake with books & papers scattered around me. If I try to go to sleep I usually just lie awake full of anticipation. I know how bad the dreams are and lying in bed in active pursuit of the horror before my eyes, well, I don't do it that way. I just can't. I stay awake for as long as I can hold my head up & when a nitemare wakes me I return to the pile of books & papers. Distraction. It's the only way that i know how to make it thru some of the darkest hours. That's why I'm a fountain of frequently useless information. If I focus on learning something then I can't possibly be still ensnared in the nitemare.

Distract. Deny. Eventually a new day breaks.

Last night I was in a darkened room alone with Nicole. She was speaking, her mouth was moving but it was like watching a silent film. I heard nothing, couldn't even read her lips. It was all about the visual, this dream was. She was standing over me wearing a familiar cream colored sweater with little pearl buttons on it. I was staring at those buttons until I realized that I remembered seeing them before. When I looked up at Nicole's face she was no longer Nicole, but instead my mother at about Nicole's age. Still speaking silent whispers, still standing over me.

She was right there, but I couldn't understand her. Couldn't help. Couldn't reach her because touching her & speaking myself were both impossibilities in this dream. We were right in front of each other but communication was completely broken.

Nicole. My mother. In many ways they are the same to me. 2 people in this world that I'm pulled towards yet can't find any comfort in.

21 Comments:

Blogger Unrequited said...

My darling Bobby,

I wish I were there with you when you awake from those dreams. I could soothe your brow until the panic receeded.

I could stroke your face with cool hands as you tell me your dream, your fears.

I could hold you as you sob for all that is lost - all that could have been.

I could look in your eyes and reflect the good man you are. You would see that I'm not afraid of the contradictions. You would see I'm not afraid of the darkness because I too have a darkness of my own. A darkness I visit alone.

I could whisper you back to sleep with gentle words of love.

I wish, I wish, I wish I could make sleep safe for you.

9:08 AM  
Blogger VDOFan said...

Nicole, your mother, clearly 2 people that you do love. Maybe no words needed to be spoken, you just needed to see them, feel them. be with them.

You are not a useless fountain of information. You are very knowledgeable, and extremely intelligent, please do not sell yourself short, or put yourself down.

I just wish you would not torture yourself so much as you do, that you cannot sleep because of it. I wish that you could finally put the Nicole situation at peace once and for all. I know it would put your mind and heart at ease. and at peace.. Which is what you need.

You are a good son, you will always worry about your mom. But to make them both 1 in the same, is rather disturbing, but I can see how you would. Because you love both her and NIcole. Maybe if you differentiate the feelings you have for the two, your dreams would be happier, better and more restful.

If Nicole, has her way, you will never be at peace, it's up to you to get that peace and to feel that you deserve it.

I wish you well Bobby, and I wish I could help you sleep better at night, and to get rid of those feelings.

Try to have a great day!

hugs Janice

9:57 AM  
Blogger Frances said...

You gave me that sweater. Do you remember? You were so young. A birthday gift from you and your brother and father. You picked it out. We had read a story about how sand becomes a beautiful pearl. And we talked about how sometimes beautiful things can come from bad circumstances if we only have endurance and faith.

Do you remember what you said to me - I'll never forget. You said, "Mommy whenever you need a hug just put the sweater on." I was choked with tears.

I'm afraid all you remember is the cruel chiding your father gave you over such a comment. Words and insinuations too horrible to remember. You ran from the room and hid. Your brother stepped between you and your father as he reached out to grab you.

Did I tell you how much your words, your intentions meant to me?
How I felt that all the love I would ever need was in that moment.

Or in my struggle to free your brother from your fathers physical cruelty did I not remember to look for you.

Oh why can't I remember the truly important things. I would become so confused in those moments. Confused now in the memories.

My son, the rage you must feel for me that for every happy memory there is a dark and hurtful twist.

That for every gesture of love you look for the menace coming.

Don't be afraid - find your way.

11:17 AM  
Blogger Shadow of a Joke said...

I wish I could sleep that way, when I don't make sleep come I ache, when I stay up, I never sleep

11:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I usually see you at least weekly in the ER,although you probably haven't noticed me. I am a nurse in the ER. I have also read your daily journals and realize you have many friends to comfort and support you. Many who want to "fix" you. This is great for you I guess but I feel frustrated with you right now. You seem to think you have "cornered the market" on misery. Wake up pal and realize that things aren't always so dark. At least you have a mother who loved you and tried to protect you. All mine ever loved was her next drink. She certainly didn't protect my sister or me. She thought that at least she wasn't getting slapped around if my father was occupied with slugging us. I am determined that they will not direct how I live now that I am on my own. I wonder if are more afraid that you will become like your father rather than like your mother. Is this why you have chosen to be alone? Think about it.

2:04 PM  
Blogger Bobby's Bartender said...

Might as well use this name since it seems like everyone else likes to ride your writing coatails! Isn't your mother in a psychiatric hospital fairly sedated? In other words certainly not putzing on a computer wrecking your storyline? Sorry Frances but c'mon. I've been reading here for months and I'm sure other people besides me are anxious to see what comes next. We don't want to read it on anyone's blog but this one!

2:35 PM  
Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

Ok - it seems you have made an important connection about your mother and Nicole. Two people you are pulled toward and can find no comfort in . . . You have admitted to fearing you will become like your mother. And isn't the facination with Nicole that she is who you could have become - and maybe even still fear you might become? You and Nicole seem to be these sort of these blurry emotional doppelgangers for one another. You share similar traumas, and are both very bright and capable people. You recognize yourselves in parts of each other - but you each also see what you could have become had she had more love in her life and you less. Neither of you are responsible for the traumas inflicted upon you, but you each had a choice with what you did with them. And it is about choice - the only soul you can save is your own. You are doing hard and painful work - stay with it, Bobby.
Blessings as you struggle.
Kate+

3:21 PM  
Blogger mrsbg said...

bobby's bartender.

It's your fault he has these bad dreams; you give him one Grey Goose too many and I'm the one left to clean up the mess.....

3:53 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

Bobby: I have been wanting to post comments on many of your recent posts but haven't. There have been so many long drawn out self serving dissertations lately that it seemed like a waste of time. I appreciate that you share your thoughts and experiences with us. I wish others would stop trying to use your blog for their own purposes. Thank you for sharing your blog with the rest of us!

4:20 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

Bobby: Sorry for posting again but I forgot to say that I really agree with your "Bartender". Take care.

4:48 PM  
Blogger leah said...

Our subconcious is always trying to tell us something through our dreams. I'm sorry that yours are so often nightmares, most of my dreams are very comforting and even amusing.

I think you dream about Nicole because there is still so much unfinished business between you.

6:51 PM  
Blogger bogusboobs said...

If there was ever a reason to avoid Nicole, you've hit on it. How much can your poor psyche take? You've spent so much time worrying about becoming your Mother ... what if a woman like that drove you to become your FATHER?

There's lots of other fish in the sea, dear. And, as you've hinted ... you need a distraction from all of this. Plus, I find I dream very little after a good romp.

7:51 PM  
Blogger Nicole Wallace said...

Perhaps you can't find comfort because you are afraid to.

Again, deny.

It's the only safe thing for you. Or so it seems.

8:34 PM  
Blogger kathryn said...

"2 people that I'm pulled towards yet can't find any comfort in."

Even though you can't find comfort in your mother, when she is able to find comfort, it's you, her younger son, one thing she did in her life that turned out right.

And Nicole doesn't comfort anyone. Not even herself.

I'm alarmed that you say these two women are the same to you in any way. Your mother did her best in an impossible situation. Literally gave her all. Nicole gave in to her own weakness and the weaknesses of others, was led astray and now leads others astray, did and continues to do monstrous things. (Yes, I realize monstrous things were done to her. And if she had only killed her abusive father . . . but she didn't.)

If justice is ever served, your mother will find peace and serenity. Nicole will find some measure of redemption by donating her brain to criminal forensic science. Maybe they can learn something from it that will protect us from the likes of her in the future.

10:20 PM  
Blogger kathryn said...

Sorry.
I am not usually so lacking in compassion, even for the likes of Nicole Wallace.

A co-worker of mine died unexpectedly this morning. She was 52. She had had surgery on Friday, which went well. Then she suffered cardiac arrest.

You really never know when your moment will come.

Maybe if I really knew Nicole, I would mourn her loss. But not today.

10:34 PM  
Blogger kathryn said...

Sorry.
I am not usually so lacking in compassion, even for the likes of Nicole Wallace.

A co-worker of mine died unexpectedly this morning. She was 52. She had had surgery on Friday, which went well. Then she suffered cardiac arrest.

You really never know when your moment will come.

Maybe if I really knew Nicole, I would mourn her loss. But not today.

10:35 PM  
Blogger kathryn said...

Sorry.
I am not usually so lacking in compassion, even for the likes of Nicole Wallace.

A co-worker of mine died unexpectedly this morning. She was 52. She had had surgery on Friday, which went well. Then she suffered cardiac arrest.

You really never know when your moment will come.

Maybe if I really knew Nicole, I would mourn her loss. But not today.

10:35 PM  
Blogger DNY LOVES CRIMINAL MINDS said...

Bobby: I think Nicole and your mother are both women that were abused emotionally by men and broke. I can certainly understand you finding them to be very similar. I hope you sleep well tonight. :)

11:09 PM  
Blogger ann said...

Bobby, I am shocked, gobsmacked. I don't know how you can even compare these two women, let alone speak about them in the same breath.

You have selective memory. Your mother was a good mother to you; she tried to protect you and she loves you. She is sick and old and needs a compassionate son. We know you are. Role reversal is the norm. All our mothers get sick, get old. They are no longer the comforter, we are.

But, Nicole, she's never brought you comfort in the past, she doesn't now, and she never will. Just as you need distraction to help you sleep, you need another distraction to get Nicole out your head.

I would be so hurt if I was your mother and knew I was being compared to a serial killer.

lotsa luv ann xxxxx

9:29 AM  
Blogger Unrequited said...

2 people you want to save and cannot.

2 people who know and aren't afraid of the dark part of your heart.

2 people who love you. One in spite of the darkness and one because of it.

1:16 PM  
Blogger Selena Marie said...

sorry

9:50 PM  

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