Saturday, March 11, 2006


The rage. A lot of it goes back to my father. The way that he treated my mother & us. I felt no anger towards him until I was in my late 20's. It took me that long to be strong enough to take a good, clear look at my family & to actually see them. The people they were rather than the people i wanted them to be. My father was a lying, cheating drunk that probably didn't have a single honest day in the last 20 years of his life. My brother is now his carbon copy. My mother, I just never know what the next week will bring. She might be lucid & even vibrant or I can walk in & find her drugged, looking pale & very much like the old woman that she is.

This past week my rage was triggered in several ways almost simultaneously. My own flashbacks, moms break & then my brother had to stir the pot. He called mom & talked to her late Thursday & just hearing his voice caused her to slip back again.

Just the sound of his voice & the little bit of ledge that she was clinging too disappeared. She spent Friday & half of today sedated again.

My father knocked my mother down mentally for years. He made her feel as though she was less- deserving, worthwhile,intelligent. She got away from him but not at all with her wits intact. To sit here knowing that the reason that she is struggling still is because of him- that kills me. It's as if he reaches out from his grave just to give her a good shove & knock her on her ass when she least expects it.


Blogger Amy said...

Bobby, I wish I has some brilliant words of comfort for you. :^(

10:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...too close to home to comment on this one. But I can proudly say my baby brother, who is a high school drop-out, is working on his PHd in Economics. He never did get a GED or high school diploma. And since he now has a wall full of degrees, he doesn't care. Way to screw 'em, little brother. By the way, he did it completely by himself.

11:10 PM  

How truly aweful for your mother and for you to have to watch. There is nothing worse than a dysfunctional family. Thank God she has you to take of her. Now we need to find someone to take care of you. :)

11:46 PM  
Blogger Carolyn Barek said...

Oh Goren, I am so sorry. I know this is a struggle for you. I wish I could help.

12:04 AM  
Blogger VDOFan said...

I am very sorry for your mom. I know that all too well. About being beaten up mentally after dealing with a mental illness.. and slipping back. Sometimes I do too. depending on what triggers it. Bobby honey, you are her only grip to reality and why she stays on for as long as she can. The littlelest trigger like your brother and she slips back into the comfort zone where noone can hurt her again, as I do that to from time to time.

Believe me I've been thru it and I can help. I try to help with advice and I hope that it does.

We seem to have something in common our kids keep us grounded and help us to move on. She's a very strong woman, and with you by her side, she can get thru anything.. and DNY"s right now .. if there was only someone to take care of you ;)

hugs Janice

1:03 AM  
Anonymous caseyswife said...

Bobby -
The only thing remotely comforting that I can think to say is that even with all her troubles your Mother managed to raise one son to be an honest, open-hearted, open-minded, and immensely giving man. Who bears NO resemblance what-so-ever to the other men in her life who have hurt her.

1:21 AM  
Blogger Gorengyrl said...

You've obviously looked up to your mother for years, what she did for you and you brother. Now I know that she is looking up to you, for what you are doing for her. You're a strong man Bobby, for doing what you're doing for her. I don't know how'd I'd handle it if I saw either one of my parents going through what your mother is going through right now. My heart goes out to you Bobby. I know you are feeling alot of pressure, because right now you are her rock and foundation and she needs it. You are admired very much by her and by us. You're doing great Bobby.

Hugs, Kara

1:23 AM  
Blogger Invisible Hannah said...

You break my heart with every word.

2:50 AM  
Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

Stay with the feelings, Bobby. They are hard and uncomfortable, but your struggling with them has kept you sane and your mother as safe and whole as she can be. We choose what we do with our feelings - you could have become an abuser like your father and brother, but you didn't. You chose to be a compassionate and caring man who is honest about his vulnerablity- and I think your willingness to be vulnerable has been what has saved you - and what will continue to save you. Take what comfort you can in the choices you have made - and please be good to yourself. Your mom's healing continues in my prayers, as do you.

6:05 AM  
Blogger Gorengyrl said...

I agree with Selena, it's what they see, so it's what they learn. They think it's normal. So eventually they do it too. In the end it's a habit... a ritual of sorts and they can't change.

10:48 AM  
Blogger Virginia Dare said...

At least you can see it. People tell me I have an anger problem all the time, and I don't know what they're talking about. Well I do later, and then I wonder how I got there.

12:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...children who are abused do not have to grow up to become abusers themselves, and you know that, Bobby.

12:13 PM  
Blogger aboutnici said...

Man, I wish I had figured what to say!

2:00 PM  
Blogger FreakFeet said...

I know what it's like to hold a lot of rage toward/because of a parent. It never ceases to amaze me how one person can impact a person's life even after they're gone. But, the strong (as you are) raise up, and become great people. You're a great person--don't let anyone tell nor let you think otherwise, not the living nor the dead.

6:42 PM  
Blogger Jules said...

There's not much I can say, as I live my life in a state of rage almost every day. The fact that you can put yours aside and still help people without lashing out makes you a much better person than I ever could be.

7:31 PM  
Blogger ann said...

The animal anger
Eventually surrenders
To the heart-breaking tears and sobs
Of the loving heart

From Ten-Thousand Flower Flames
Sri Chinmoy

8:20 PM  
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