Thursday, February 23, 2006

Face The Face

I've spent most of this week shutting down, shutting out & shutting off everything around me. I took this week off from work- the vacation that I never take. The week that traditionally rolls over until it's deleted from existence. I never take time off, not more than a day anyway. I've been going through the motions these last few months and poorly at that. When I'm not going through the motions on behalf of others (is it really even for their sake??) I feel like I'm running- trying to escape... Something. Perpetual motion. Keep busier than usual. Pretend to have some sort of *normal* life. Why? Why am I putting on a game face that I don't really want to wear in the first place? Why am I trying to be normal for normalcy's sake when it is something that I have never in my life been.

This faking my way for nothing, running away from something and towards nothing- it stops now.

I've been taking a sort of painful look at myself and I really do NOT like what is staring back at me. I'm not sure that I have ever exactly liked that guy that drills holes through me in the mirror. Probably not but there has to at least be a more bearable version than this mess that reflects back.

I think I've been so ensnared in the day to day bullshit that I never noticed how far I was drifting from myself. Now I just feel like a powder keg of pent up frustration. I realize that as all of the complicated parts of my life have crashed into each other these past few months, instead of living and dealing in the moment, I've sort of ducked out. I've felt only the bare-assed minimum and tried to forget the rest. That hasn't worked, it never does, for me at least. I feel like I've been bounced off of one rocky shoreline after another; My mother. The media. Nicole Wallace. My nitemares. The really disturbing crap that I never mention. I've done a stellar job of ricocheting off of things but my feet, they've never touched the ground again until now.

This week I've dropped purposeful anchor, taken a good hard look in the mirror and what I see is just terrifying.

34 Comments:

Blogger jen said...

WELCOME BACK!

with glee and relief and profound thanks!

All my love, always,
Jen

2:34 PM  
Blogger jen said...

OK, now that I've gotten that burst of joy and relief off my chest, I want to thank you for, once again, so beautifully expressing an issue that I've been struggling with myself. If you figure out how to go on from here, you'll give us all a clue, right? 'Cause I'm not at all sure that I've figured out a road map to follow myself just yet out of my own dark little cave of late.

2:50 PM  
Blogger ann said...

Bobby, Bobby, you just couldn't stay away, you had to come back.

I, your No. 1 fan, am thrilled, ecstatic, over the moon, dancing around, clapping my hands and stomping my feet at your return. Bobby, you have brought tears to my eyes.

Introspection is a wonderful thing, but don't be so hard on yourself. You have more to bear than most and what is normal? Your normal is different to others, as others is different to yours.

I see what you are, the person, the man, and I believe in you and everything you do.

lotsa luv hugs & xxxxx's ann

2:54 PM  
Blogger DNY LOVES CRIMINAL MINDS said...

Welcome Back! Thank you for once again sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. :)

3:01 PM  
Blogger Ashley said...

::hugs::

Glad to see you came back.

3:59 PM  
Blogger Dr. Elizabeth Olivet said...

Hi.

4:16 PM  
Blogger Riccie said...

Words are failing me at the momment, and so I must resort to this: ((Bobby))

4:23 PM  
Blogger Ed Green said...

Well, well, well, look what the....How the fuck are you?

4:37 PM  
Blogger valentino said...

thank you for coming back so soon.... xxxx

4:49 PM  
Blogger Gorengyrl said...

Bobby, you're a beautiful man. (Ok handsome on the outside beautiful on the inside) Anyways, you have taught us many lessons. You are a very dear person and I couldn't have done many of the things I've done without you. Don't doubt your self worth Bobby, if you don't have that, you don't have anything. You have to beleive in yourself. All of us do. Love ya Bobby! Kara

5:05 PM  
Blogger Gorengyrl said...

Sorry for the second post. But welcome back, you were gone away for a little while but I did miss you so much!

5:06 PM  
Blogger mrsbg said...

Guess the second honeymoon's over honey.... sigh

mwahx mwahx mwahx

5:38 PM  
Blogger Ken said...

No, really. How was vacation? Heh..

Glad you are back, sir!

5:43 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

Bobby I am so glad you are back!!

6:47 PM  
Blogger VDOFan said...

I am soo happy to see you back.. Oh Bobby you ARE a beautiful man. you should not be terrified when looking back at yourself. You're a wonderful human being, and you've been thru soo much.. you don't give yourself enough credit. Stop and look at whats' around you then take another look at yourself.. thru our eyes.. than maybe you can see what we see. hopefully.

I'm sooo happy that you are back, and I missed you very much.

hugs Janice

6:48 PM  
Blogger Carolyn Barek said...

It's rough sometimes, isn't it Goren? I'm glad you finally used up some of that vacation though.

6:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

so Happy to see that your back,Bobby!I agree with what you said,totally. Life can throw you so many difficult curve balls,but I suppose we have to try to get by, day by day. Missed you so much!

9:18 PM  
Blogger kacey said...

It's awful when you no longer recognize the person staring back at you in the mirror, or you finally see that person for who they really are. Sounds like my life too.

A friend of mine once said "If you don't like your reality, change it".

How hard do you think it is to actually do?

I'm glad you're back.

9:59 PM  
Blogger Unrequited said...

Oh Bobby,
You've taken my breath away, you're back. You're back.
I, I, well I can't even get the words out. If only you knew what this means for me. On today of all days. Well you just don't know.
I love you and care for you. Even the parts of your mind and heart that you fight.
Thank you for coming back to us.

10:12 PM  
Blogger Virginia Dare said...

you magnificent bastard...

10:43 PM  
Blogger Dr_Melinda_Warner said...

You'll have to tell me all about the vacation Bobby. Hope you got plenty of rest and that the nightmares are over.

Mel

11:03 PM  
Blogger Amey said...

I'm glad to see you back, and I hope you're feeling well and rested.

:-)

12:17 AM  
Blogger Axe said...

Bobby, it's about fucking time that you took stock of what YOU need. For once.

Welcome back, sweetheart! xxx

12:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What made you change your mind so soon?

Not that I'm complaining...

2:44 AM  
Anonymous Tiffany said...

Yeah, Bobby, try to figure out what's good for YOU.
This 'break' is way too short .. even though I'm glad you're back!

5:17 AM  
Blogger Asha said...

Glad to have you back!

7:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"This faking my way for nothing, running away from something and towards nothing- it stops now."

That sounds like a plan Batman ;o)

8:28 AM  
Blogger Jules said...

There is NOTHING wrong with taking time to focus on you, for once. It's tough to face the real person that you honestly see in the mirror, but even harder to do something about the things that you don't like. And you, as usual, have managed it well, better than I ever could.
Keep the faith, keed! It do get better. Oh, and glad to see you back.

8:54 AM  
Blogger The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

Dark nights of the soul are never easy. It takes courage to wrestle with your demons - to let the hurts lie bare and name them for what they are. Stay with it, Bobby. It hurts, but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. And don't feel that you have to fight alone - there are people who care and who will stand with you as you struggle. Sometimes the best we can do is one breath at a time - and that is always good enough.
Kate+

9:26 AM  
Blogger Pat said...

So glad that you are back. But why are you so hard on yourself? You should see what others see when they look at Bobby Goren: brillance, compassion, and ethics. You protect people. Who could ask for more? You deserve to be happy and we wish that for you! With that said, once again it is a privilege to read your postings and am so glad you are back!

9:53 AM  
Blogger aboutnici said...

I'm so happy to hear from you!

10:00 AM  
Blogger MartyF said...

Bobby....

While I'm glad you're returned, I can only say this to you right now....

RUN, do not walk, but RUN to your shrink. NOW. Dr. Olivet, Dr. Skoda, whoever, but go! Whatever the hell you do do not go for another second without some kind of help. DO IT!

10:49 AM  
Blogger Nicole Wallace said...

At least you know how I feel when I look in the mirror now.

Welcome back, darling.

2:13 PM  
Blogger madi said...

For a couple of days I thought we lost you. Welcome back, you make all of us happy. And take care of yourself, if you won't do it who else will?
Hugs.

4:31 PM  

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