My LONG Summer

Sometimes life really throws a big curve ball. My summer has been one big question mark. A path filled with decision making that has been mandatory but the choices just really are lousy. Back in May my mother had a Hemorrhagic Stroke caused by an Aneurysm. Brain surgery, a coma, assessing motor skills, prognosis- realistic prognosis, finding a convalescent home that offers decent rehab- all things that I have had no choice but to handle on my own. I only thought the decision making was hard before. Now the reality is that I have spent 3 months trying to make the best decisions for someone who is always mentally compromised but now her brain function is also working against her.

I only thought that she wasn't the same person last spring. Now I know it, see it almost daily.

Daily because she is & has been city based since May. Eventually, if well enough she might return upstate but for now she is very close to me & with her is where any & all of my free time has been spent. She needs help & it has become even more apparent that I really am all she has.

3 Months Is Long Enough

for an unintended hiatus anyway. I say unintended because well, it was. Life sort of got in the way & situations demanded my attention. I am back now though & ready to write a bit more. I have checked email all along & I really am grateful for all of the continued interest & contact. You guys are honestly amazing!

Lots to discuss, lots to say, but first- tell me how your summer has been.

That Ache of Vulnerability Settles In

I'm not real sure when it happened or even how. I was doing fairly well this week and then all of a sudden I realized, I'm standing back several feet from where I thought I was. I had to look over my shoulder to find where I'm really at. Was my pace slowing down & was the backslide gradual or did I just wake to find myself thrown back in time. Either way, a whole new wave of familiar emotions. Most of all I feel vulnerable. I don't trust myself, I don't trust my reactions to anything at all. I feel fragile in spite of being a solid, fully grown man. What it is exactly that has caused me to feel this way, I'm unsure. I just know that in this moment I'm trapped in an emotional limbo. Too afraid to reach out & grab a hand, too doomed to even conjure up a momentary belief that I can make it alone.

What do you say when you don't know what is really wrong? How do you convince someone that you need them when you can't bring yourself to appear needy? How do you hang on when slipping seems like a slow motion fall into bliss?

I'm Still Here

I haven't run away. I've just been buried beneath work & a bit blindsighted by life. A real post hopefully later today.

thank you for all of the emails. I'm not going anywhere, no worries.

Go. Insane. Slowly.

Have you ever been in the unfortunate position to watch as someone slips from your grasp mentally? Physical injuries- well, they're obvious. Trying to argue and reason, then eventually beg and plead only to realize that it's hopeless, there is nothing that can possibly make them understand, it's just devestating.

Beyond devestating.

Looking at someone that in one way or other you've loved, respected fall completely to pieces & realizing that some of those pieces seem to have rolled away, it's just an unbearable thing to endure. They have no idea what is going on. Their pain is so great that they've transcended it and believe life is perfect and you're the one with the problem. It's a mixed blessing to deal with someone completely committed to the reality of their psychosis. It's upsetting but it's impossible to be angry or channel any blame towards them. Sickness is just so apparent that the need to help far surpasses anything else you may feel.

My mother has been in a facility for the last ten years but before that it was like walking on eggshells. What episodes are really bad? What can't she pull herself out of? When do you pick up the phone & have someone committed? Admitting to yourself that it really is that bad is heart breaking. The guilt of making that kind of phone call is only ever so slightly relieved by the knowledge that the person is getting help. Providing safety & help is most important until that's been accomplished. After the fact, even though you know that you've done the safest thing, the right thing, the guilt is still crushing.

So often I've seen people fall apart in front of me during an interrogation. You see things start to slowly unravel & I just know exactly where they're going to end up. It could be a psychotic perp or it could be the psychotic perp's husband that had NO idea before then that a problem even existed. My heart sinks and I start choking back stomach acid while sitting with these people because I just know the pain ahead. Even the right decisions will eat away at the lining of your stomach.

Music...

...I brought it back, obviously.

Ache

I should have been on the road an hour ago. Instead I've spent an hour slumped on the floor ready to leave & yet, I cannot will myself out the door. Cement shoes & instead I wish to god I was made of marble or something else that just rarely breaks. If ever. 2 days ago my moms condition backslid a bit. In spite of her increased meds she had another mild break. How many times has she broken since November? I've lost count but she never returns to where she was, it has yet to happen. I haven't seen her in the last two days & I've been warned that she'll likely not know or even acknowledge me. I geuss my head start on the grieving of my mother wasn't such a horrible idea after all.

This morning I'm just broken. I can't get it together. My heart just aches and nothing begins to even remotely touch the pain. Nothing can.

My own lonliness might ultimately be a good thing. If I do end up where my mother is at least there won't be anyone coming to visit, needing to grieve the loss of what was shared. What used to be. What just disintegrated within a few eye blinks.